Futile Sacrifice - 2

- Chapter 2 -
~Saffron~

Soliloquy: "I still love Fabio, and it is torturous. Not that I'm not considering a divorce, but, it is easier if we just break up as lovers, not as spouses - not as parents. I have shared feelings with him before, we now share a daughter. I have communicated with him through the telephone and a rendezvous, we now live under the same roof. It is just challenging to escape into another life without him, knowing it is going to be as crippled. Living with him can be hurtful, but at least Saffron gets to have a father. Living without him will be hard on both of us - my daughter and I."



Eleanor could not go on anymore, being torn between two roads; getting divorced or preserving a family of three, for the sake of Saffron. Therefore, she decided to talk out to her best friend.

"He doesn't love me"

"Yes, he does, Eleanor."

"Okay, he does.. just because I'm his wife and the mother of his child.

 It's not enough to love me.. It is never enough to just love anyone!

All those years, I've been informed that he loves me and that was it. I was oblivious of everything else because I loved him and I still do. You know, what I realize now is that he never proved that he actually does!
How can a man who loves his wife goes behind her back and betray her? How can he just love her because she's providing him with his essentials; love, coitus, and a child."

"So, what do you wish to do now?"

"I just can't fathom being betrayed.
I want my freedom.. .
I want us to be forever detached from one another.. We'll only live together until our daughter is mature enough to understand things."


Eleanor and Fabio are practically separated now, yet under the same ceiling. They both resemble the ocean, Fabio, on a sunny day, and Eleanor, in a hurricane. Still, she chooses to overcome her vulnerability, sacrificing for the good of her daughter, Saffron.

"Even if it's a futile sacrifice - an unfair fight, it's a war of love.. The love for the soul that has come out of my own body."

She says.


- The End -

Futile Sacrifice - 1

Here I am again, getting detached from poetry-like pieces & starting with a short story of two chapters!

I would wanna see your feedback, dear.. quite readers! :)

---------------

- Chapter 1 -

~Fabio~

Fabio, was the love of my life. I could not let a thing bother him, not even a sweet cold breeze. Every time I saw him, I would run into his arms and say "I love you now and forever." He would say words that were sweeter than honey and more delicate than silk. The worst thing, which I did not take into account, was not knowing much about him. I knew he loved me, because he said so. I knew we could one day be spouses, because he said so. I had no reason to trust him, I just did. Despite the universal warnings I received, I got married to him. We called it "the ten years love." Ten years, of having hope in Fabio. Never did I let go. Yes, I waited for too long, but it was worth it - as far as I thought. 

Until one day, negativity started boiling within me. I started recalling all the things everyone told me about him. "What if they were true? What if marriage was the biggest mistake? But we've known each other for so long.. nothing can be true!" I said to myself. Day by day, my intuition drifted me away from him. I did not wish to make it clear. I never wanted to hurt him. He would wake up every morning and tell me "Eleanor, you don't seem happy lately," and I wouldn't know what to say.

I tried to let go of the figments, so I decided to break our no-kids-rule, which was my decision. Fabio was happy yet worried, for pregnancy was a challenge for me, medical-wise. Yet, we got through it. I underwent some treatments that were noticeably helpful, and I finally gave birth to a girl. I named her Saffron. She was the most important thing in my life, along with her father. I always thought that we both were his priorities, too, until I was proven wrong.

As though I foresaw Fabio's side that I never knew. Throughout our relationship of ten years, how could I be blinded? and only figure him out in a matter of three years of our marriage?

He was seeing someone else. I could know it, I could feel it. He would come home with cosmetics stains on his blouse, telling me that he dirtied his outfit while eating with friends. I wasn't stupid but I chose to neglect the things that could turn me into a beast.

I chose to ignore him not because I was weak or impassive. I did that for Saffron, the angel I did not want to grow in a polluted atmosphere. Fabio and I would go out for dinner, we would dance together, we would talk and joke, we would take Saffron out to play, but I would never feel the attachment and bond again.

The Mistimed Weakness

Pride backfired..
It was no longer a strength.
Distress crept into my body and spread like an illness into my veins.
What happened to me? I used to face intolerable levels of pains, and I made it back to my normality, to my sanity.
It suddenly felt like a total transformation, from strong to weak.. from gathered to torn.. from healthy to crippled - all from the inside.

I once planned my whole future, I deplored obstacles.. nothing ever stopped me.
I mourned and wiped my tears, I wept and dried my cheeks.. I frowned, but I also smiled.. I failed but I also stood back again. My hardships always had successes parallel to them; my life accepted only few visitors: the qualities of being strong. 

Yet, what happens to a balloon once you poke it with a needle?
It doesn't gradually deflate, it just pops with a violent release of energy.

Be Nobody Again

-Love?-

I'm a little less than incomplete.. a little sadder than I seem to be. I'm hoping for more than I claim to wish for, I'm digging my own grave in me - I die, within me.. but I live, solo again..

I've vowed to never near poisons; wrath.. desire.. greed..

Yet, love - a noun that is a question; love? 

It is not poisonous, yet it causes most harm..

It intoxicates both my mind and heart.. leaving me with one question:

Love?

-How?-

How can I follow my heart to be sane when love dwells there? How can I follow my mind to be wise when love traps its sanity? How am I not to wound my pride? when love's force is stronger than my gravity?

-Pride?-

I've let it down.. so long ago.

I've priorities now

and they're all you.

You, the gate to comfort..

You, the death of past..

You, the white orchid among all black..

You.. and I, water and oil..

church and alcohol..

Yet, we do blend, at least in my own eyes..

-Courage?-

I've the courage to make you see right through me.
My words, even when unclear, mirror my own feelings, my own emotions.
I let you - I allow you to see the infusion of all the strengths that weaken me;
the sweet rivers and bitter oceans that never meet.
Sweet is the love..
Bitter is your cold shoulder that warms me not..
Bitter is the unknowing feeling..
Bitter is the refusal felt.
Bitter are my unanswered questions.
Nothing is ever bittersweet;
just sweet and bitter.

-Realization?-
Maybe, it won't feel as precious when it's mutual.. but maybe it brings more joy. Maybe, it kills the thrill.. but maybe it creates a better kind of thrill.
You're clueless yourself, or maybe just sure of something you'd rather hide.
And I, myself, won't know a thing..
Unless we go back to that time
that froze time itself.

So, would you kindly be nobody again?

An Interview With Souad - The Victim of "Honor"

I know that most of you might not understand, but that's just to have an idea about the person I wrote about in my previous post - Burned Alive.

That's her after around 24 operations.

Brûlée Vive / Burned Alive

I've read a book during the weekend that I'm not even done with, yet I'm already touched - bone-deep.

I'm just going to talk about the author, Souad.


A Muslim, Arab girl who had been tortured as a kid by her father. She was forced to do all the menial work with her sisters. She was also illiterate, since it was "taboo" in her village to educate a girl. 

It was almost impossible for her to leave their farmhouse, and if she did, her head had to be down, she would speak to no one, and she would wear no shoes, or else, she would be called "charmuta" (slut) - as mentioned in the book - by the villagers.

Growing up in an extremely narrow-minded village, with a pugnacious father, Souad's one-candle-wish was to get married. It wasn't a fantasy, though, since it was also shameful (in their village) for a wife to go to her parents for help, in case her husband harmed her. Yet, she still wanted to be married to rid herself of her harsh life.

A man named Fayez proposed to her, but she couldn't marry him until her elder sis got married. It was a custom they could not escape. 

Souad, curious, spied on Fayez from the terrace while doing some housework.. She tried her best not to be noticeable.

Until one day, he noticed her and made an almost-obvious gesture, wanting to meet her.

Their rendezvous was in a grassy area - where no one would reach.

She mindlessly fell in love with him - and of course she would - since she had been never celebrated for who she was, never thanked, never loved. She probably found a future in his eyes; therefore, he knew she would obey him.

Fayez, the opposite of what Souad thought, after deflowering her, he would still get her to do what he wanted.

After their third sexual intercourse, Souad started feeling giddy, lazy, and heavy..

She wouldn't know she was pregnant of course, she was an illiterate teenager.

Later, a spot appeared on her nose - that was when she knew she was pregnant - since it had appeared on her eldest sister's face when she was pregnant.

Unfortunately, when she went to talk out to who she thought was a lover, he betrayed her..
He avoided her gestures - although he promised to talk to her dad about making the marriage sooner.

She could hide her growing tummy for up to 5 months.. Until it was no longer escapable.

Her parents 'investigated' with her.. she still wouldn't say the truth. They even asked her to prove that she wasn't pregnant by showing them her menstrual blood.

For Souad's surprise, her father did not hit her with his cane nor did he torture her.

Yet, one day, she overheard her parents talking to her brother-in-law about her.. telling him to "do it"

But do what?

She was drowned in fear, awaiting what Hussein (her brother-in-law) would "do"

The next day, while she was washing the clothes..

Hussein showed up.. she didn't raise her eyes, she was ashamed.. embarrassed.. she even preferred to die.

He told her that he would "take care of her"

And it wasn't long until he poured gasoline over her, and lit it.

She ran in flames.. fell unconscious.. and she had no idea who were the women who took her to the hospital.

The more shocking part was that, even in the hospital, no one was allowed to treat her, or any other "charmuta." They were just waiting for her to die, to relieve her family from the shame she had brought to them. They were too hooked on "Honor" not knowing that THAT was the result of their customs and traditions.

Her family, weren't really satisfied with what Hussein did to her. Her mom tried to make her drink a water-like poison.

Luckily, her parents got prohibited from visiting her.

Moving forward, within two weeks (approx.), Souad gave birth, without even knowing that she did. 
The baby pushed himself alone, she could only feel mild stabs in her stomach, then a creature between her thighs.

Of course, they took her baby away from her.

One day, Jaqueline, a western humanitarian, heard of Souad's story, and wanted to do anything to help her - although she knew it was almost impossible to do so, since even everyone was pitying Souad's family, and not her.

After a struggle, Jaqueline, with the help of a young doctor, first transferred Souad to another Israeli hospital, where they could actually treat her and not leave her to rot. Second, they went to Souad's family, persuaded them to sign some documents in order to take Souad out of the country (since she was a minor.)

They weren't convinced of course, but they tricked them into thinking that it was going to be better for them to let Souad die far away, and to preserve their so-called dignity.

Also, Jaqueline could finally find Souad's son, Marouan.

With the help of Israelis, Souad's visa and her son's were successful.

Souad, Marouan, and Jaqueline flew to Switzerland, for her therapy.

Souad did not know that there were other countries aside from Palestine. That was how illiterate she was, because of her family.

And that was when her second real life began.

......

After reading some reviews, I noticed that many blamed Islam for this..
Just to make it clear, Islam never put such customs nor traditions, it doesn't even encourage male dominance nor torture.

Such lifestyle does not define our religion, it simply demonstrates the ignorance and narrow-mindedness of some Arab countries. Violating women's rights, torturing and killing.. that is not even close to Islam.

Yes, we do have punishments for committing adultery, but we also have "forgiveness."
As mentioned in Quran:
"Allah accepts the repentance of those who do evil in ignorance"

And, Souad, an ignorant teenager who should've been advised and loved by her parents, who should've been educated to know her own good, who should've been taken care of, is surely not to be punished.

Especially that she was emotionally and mentally victimized by a man who dragged her into doing what she wouldn't have done. 

Let me know of what you think
Alia

Isolated

Here's another short story
Inspired by Mein Kampf {My Struggle - Adolf Hitler}
...............................


They are all I'm asked to deal with.. these scenes of humiliation. My heart shatters and breaks.. its beats get stationed.. its hope gets crippled.. its memories stumble down & scatter to every vein.. I am no longer sane.
They come & then they leave.. they go & then they feel; what exactly are they trying to reveal? I welcomed them at the risk of my own trust.. I shared my pain & they fed me more of it.. I carried on & I'm to blame.. for what specifically? I don't know.
Brutality of theirs, mine it is now..
apathy, pride, selfishness & greed.

Lord forgave me for I have sinned, yet these weak beasts can never do. I am writing this now while I'm in isolation. I am not whining.. I am not aching, I am, however, trying to prove a point.. trying to change the world's shallow understandings.
What is it that they fight about? what is it that they kill for? what is it that they try to defeat each other for? it is all superficial.. it is all unworthy.. if it were in my hands, I would blow some senses in their empty heads..
They judge the person and not the idea, they hate on the facts and create their own myths..
They confidently despise, & they publicly express the hatred.. They confidently criticize, & in shame they hide their deficiencies.
There is no realness
There is no genuineness
There is no compromising
There is no open-mindedness
There is only a show, a repeated scenario, & dissatisfaction.
I did not benefit from human beings.. I did not learn from them except to worsen..to worsen.. to worsen.

What is it that you look for in me?

Psst-- I'm feverish on bed at 3:13:59 AM & thought of blogging since so many things are flying in & out (my mind). Anyhow, I hope such randomness makes sense to ya'll :)
.................

You cannot judge the bitterness of what you never tasted, you cannot name a heart 'incorrigible' when you never tried 'change'
You ask 'what is love?" & all I'd say is: it is courage
Love knows no cowards
& you'll probably ask who the hell are those cowards..
You're one of them
You hide behind the cruelty of pride
You choose not facing up to what you committed; instead, you claim how exposed to mistakes you are.. Yet when it is someone else's turn to display their flaws, they're forsaken..forgotten.
So let me now ask you, do you believe in To Err Is Human only when it comes to you?

You'd say no, for you're locked up with pride..at all costs

Then good luck struggling with yourself by yourself
Good luck trying to detach yourself from the fear of your emotions being revealed
& good luck trying to keep yourself busy with what you cannot benefit from

Cause as soon as you meet up with reality, it's going to be your downfall.

This.. I did not choose for you
But tragedy you chose for me
& after the tragedy you came, recognizing my existence...
With disappointment you stood
Seeing me with the happiness you promised to fulfill
& that promise you blew, I caught from elsewhere

Very funny how you once thought it was funny
When I said love's not for cowards.



& now, when you ask 'What is it that you look for in me?'
I'd say nothing
Cause I found in others what you refused to possess
I found courage.


-The End- :D