The Faults

"To err is human - to forgive is divine.." we say, only when we err. Yet, when others wrong us, we are suddenly the victimized, the bleeding, the broken.. 
We may use the fact that we were once, or twice, hurt badly to hurt someone else just as badly.
This is all automatic and involuntary. Will we still do that if we give ourselves a chance to be a little bit more conscious? Maybe, if we control our impulsive words and actions.

We are protective of our pains; we tend to hold on to them and use them as bullets to shoot those we think are bound to hurt us, even if we knew at heart that they are not the monsters. Hence, we become the monsters.

This repetitive pattern is neither in our favor nor in others', it cannot possibly answer the question of "who is really at fault?"
If the first person to hurt you was hurt by someone else and that someone else was once wronged by another...etc.

Sometimes, even if it hurts, we need to put an end to this pattern. Not everyone deserves pain.

Some people might love us, truly, and fancy us, while we're too concentrated on giving the most hideous gift someone else has given us to those people that sit right there and care for us. Those people that can understand us in ways beyond our realization, those people we turned away because we were oblivious.
We were first oblivious, and then we became selfish.. We could not even humble ourselves to realize what we were doing.

And just when we realize what we have put some people through, we begin to digest the fact that we are just as messed up - as cruel as whoever hurt us, but it's too late to make amends.

This one's for you - anyone..

I'm sorry.

Every So Often

{ The first part }

Sometimes by hurting people, you give them a reason to hurt others, which was the case with Antalya.

A young, guiltless and immature girl she was. Surrounded by those she called friends, who were no more than teenagers dwelling in unrealistic concerns.

Unlike her friends, Antalya never wanted to be that person weakened by love; she believed it was all a matter of temporary infatuation that hooks people to a dream that they will soon wake up from.

Seeing how her friends turn from happy to upset once they split up with their partners, and seeing them then become happily in love again proved to Antalya that whatever a relationship between two people may be, it is never trustworthy – it is never going to last.

Yet that was a year before Antalya’s heart could impact her mentality.

-       Antalya’s point of view

I was listening to Melissa’s grumbles. She could not stop talking about her breakup, making it seem as though it was a drastic divorce. Melissa was my friend – actually, she had this urgency to be my friend when she formerly was just a friend of a friend.. At first, I did not trust Melissa, for her approach was strange. Why would anyone want to be my friend so soon and spill his or her secrets to me? Yet, she seemed desperate to talk out; to be heard..

 I pitied Melissa, wholeheartedly. I thought her situation was really serious, and relationships do matter after all. It connects two strangers and makes them the closest and most significant other to one another. Melissa was in love with Marc, saying, “he really loves me and is waiting for a chance,” but she was in a relationship with someone else – at least, that was what I thought, or what she made me believe. Until I met Marc, who Melissa urged me to meet, I never knew someone could be too mysterious. She said, “don’t tell him you know me” – an archaic way to be the portal between two lovers.

Marc and I became friends instantly. He was the opposite of everything Melissa told me he was. He was not uptight and reserved, nor was he unpredictable and introverted. In fact, I found him a better friend than any of my female friends. Of course, I did not tell Melissa about that. She knew we talked, she just did not know how we did. She even expected him to be talking about her to me and was waiting for ‘updates.’

Ironically, he only mentioned her once, or maybe twice. I was confused; I doubted everything Melissa said. If he loved her, why isn’t he saying anything about her?

It was time I told Marc that Melissa was my friend, and I did. I still regret the day I told him that, for I did not ever expect a reflex like his.

Marc grew even closer to Antalya. She was in that position of “more than friends, less than lovers” with him. Unlike her other male friends, Marc had a distinguished place in Antalya’s heart. She thought he was becoming her closest friends when in fact she was falling in love with him. Of course, Antalya would not know how to define her feelings, for she had never experienced such a thing. Marc seemed to acknowledge Antalya’s feelings more than she could tell, though.

She talked to him every morning, if not every night as well. He became the only importance in her life. She felt guilty, for she was supposed to help Melissa, but she could not control her gravity.

When she finally realized it, Antalya could not afford confessing to Marc. She had dreams about him, she changed because of him, and he never even knew. She would wait for him to return when he was abroad, and when going out, Antalya would wear pumps, even though she struggled to walk in them, instead of sneakers, a dress instead of pants, and drew a line over her colorless eyelids just because she knew she was going to bump into Marc.

Marc seemed fascinated by Antalya, yet she still felt inferior. She was nowhere near Melissa, neither in beauty nor in character. Melissa was fair, out-loud, arrogant, extroverted and fierce, a kind that Marc would suit. Antalya herself was fond of Melissa’s personality, before she knew the truth.

One day, Marc decided to astonish Antalya. He said it in an unexhausted tone; a very relaxed and confident manner:

I love you.

And in that moment, Antalya has fallen head over heels for Marc.

Of course, she kept it a secret, not wanting Melissa to ever know. She expected paradise and freedom, craze and endearment, until the day that shocked her for life.

Marc admitted he was never truthful. It was a game that he did not want to lose. Yet, he did lose Antalya.

-       Antalya’s perspective

He hurt me until I felt too consumed by pain, as though it was not only the heart that gets broken, it was the entire body. I still did not judge what he did; I believed he had a reason to do that, but he also gave me a reason to want to hurt someone. I wanted to be the inflictor; I had this unexplained violence inside. I craved victimizing people, and I did.

It was wrong of me to do that, but now when I think of it, I believe Marc had the same urgency, which is why I was the victim.

She just did not know the reason until couple of years later, when it was too late to do anything. Yet, at least, Antalya has finally forgiven Marc.

From a mutual friend, Antalya knew that Melissa lied all that time. She betrayed Marc and cheated on him with one of his friends. She only wanted to be Antalya’s friend because she knew Marc would never suspect anything since he never knew Antalya, or knew that she was Melissa’s friend. Melissa’s plan failed, and it also backfired on the blameless Antalya. Antalya was merely the victim of Melissa and Marc’s issues.

Even though it was too late for Antalya to know the truth, it made her begin a new life with a broader mind and a more forgiving heart.

She has gone through worse than her very first heartbreak that she realized pain is not only linked to Marc or a failed relationship, there is more to life to experience, both good and bad.

{The second part – years later}

In the midst of unresolved issues that Antalya has faced in her life, she could not expect to be made happy ever again, but it is going through pain that makes the heart value happiness.

-       Antalya’s point of view

I was desperate to have a getaway, and my summer vacation was my only chance to have serenity and peace of mind. I planned to not use any electronic devices, and not meet any new people. I only wanted time to spend time with myself after all that has happened to me. Crazy it was, but I was determined to detach that ugly past from my life. Could I really do that alone?

No matter how strong and determined I thought I was, I would not possibly be a happy person again if it were not for the person I met in summer .. a genuinely kind and caring person who was my actual getaway.

When we talked, I could not think of any of those things that used to frequently haunt my mind. I would miss him when we weren’t talking, and crave late night conversations with him.

In my heart, I knew he was real, and I only grew fonder of him. For no apparent reason, I felt gratified to meet him, and comfortable with him. He was one of those few people that you click instantly with.

I wanted to be the girl he feels the same way towards, but I never knew if I was able to. So, I kept the friendship flowing..

 

Until he started saying that he is falling for a girl. I felt the fiercest jealousy rushing through my veins, and I could not afford losing him. I embraced all the courage I have and told him that I loved him. I did not expect a response; I just wanted him to be informed.

Surprisingly, and fortunately, he told me that I was the girl he was talking about; he just did not know how to tell me.

It feels similar to how it started with Marc, but I am 3 years older now, and a hundred times wiser.

Now I feel that no matter what it is that I've been through, one person, one reason, can be my one-way ticket to happiness, and this does not happen every so often.

I shall forever hold on to my miracles!

The end.