Tuesday 11 April 2017

When It Doesn't Make Sense To Not Be Alone

Disclaimer: if you know him, you'll know that even the title of this entry is inspired by Charles Bukowski.

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Relationships, marriages, friendships.. all those are mere institutions.
They don't define love. Love is a different story.
And when the exigency of my suffocated heart demanded love,
I sought it.
I found it at the most wrongful place during the worst time in a wrong person,
and I don't exactly regret it, but I can't exactly survive it anymore.
I remember each and every instance that makes me now think that it doesn't make sense
for me to not be alone..
Why did I look for you? Why did I allow you to penetrate my strong armor that I kept to shield my skin, to protect my pride?
I have absolutely no answer.
And having found you 
introduced me to parts of myself that I never encountered before:
Altruism - I would've eclipsed my life to give yours brightness
Aggression - I could've killed to ensure your safety
Acceptance - I could've been offered to lie on silk and still choose to roll in dust with you
Affection - only you would've mattered
But having found you also
wakes me up each and every night
hungry for consideration, thirsty for closure..
And I ask myself, don't you at least want to clear your conscience?
You probably don't, or else..
You wouldn't thoughtlessly throw words you never meant,
words you couldn't measure their momentum..
words that completely absorbed me
words to which I was attentive, not knowing that I shouldn't have considered.. 
You wouldn't withdraw from all kinds of communication 
after you made me feel secure.
And although I believed that you over-consumed me, I do realize I was the one who over-committed herself
to an undefined situation that you selfishly coated with momentary pleasure
that permanently scarred me.