Fragments, from a male point of view (I think this is a first), also, some of the words/phrases are ones I've heard and loved; I'm attentive to words and I mark them carefully -- no plagiarism, though. Enjoy!
Right now, I'm starting to think..
to untangle all those knots I allowed to trap my thoughts.
I have been trapped myself..
trapped in apathy;
blinded by my egoistic self..
Only to realize that there is no truth
there is no validity
to rationality when emotions are entirely disregarded.
Right now, I know that we all have these divisions inside us
and once we ignore one, we stop being whole.
As for you, you were always balanced, which baffled me.
You would be vocal and verbalize your rational thoughts,
you would be subjective, too, and speak your emotions out..
As for me, I perceived that as a dramatic sequence of angry arguments..
I always missed the point you were trying to make..
that once the quarrel is over, or once I, shamelessly, decide to give in,
peace is assured.
But peace I have taken from you..
Leaving you constantly torn while I silently retreat..
I have not been able to see what you were really doing..
What you were doing is caring merely for me.
Worrying about us.
Instilling hope into me,
but that hope I have thrown away.
Right now, your patience is evident,
and my mistakes are evident, too.
I have poisoned your existence, stopping you from thinking
about what you need to be thinking of instead..
I ridiculously disregarded your feelings and saved mine.
I ungratefully forgot the times you could give up on me
but you stood there..
not because you are undignified
not because you are stupid
not because you are naïve
but because you are loyal..
because you carry the world's love
and you are gifting it to me, even when I least deserve it..
because you see no time or energy that can be wasted
in trying to save me in my desperate times,
and I still mindlessly neglected the bigger picture
while constantly making you battle against yourself;
losing sleep, appetite and interest..
This is how I rewarded you.
And it still did not satisfy my compressed ego
when you decided to retaliate,
I could not tolerate the taste of my own medicine..
And in spite of your ongoing efforts to recant and restore normality..
I still brought you down,
without the minimal sense of how a man should treat a woman.
I have belittled you with what I have shown you
the day you reached boiling point..
I have boasted to ignite your jealousy
without realizing how damaging it may be,
how unnecessary and degrading it was.
Right now, I know that how I feel about anything
and how I feel about you are two separate things,
that I kept on mixing.
I have brought you down just because I felt
suffocated, stressed, and undecided..
I felt the need to drag you down with me
without a second thought.
Right now, I want to stop you from shrinking your own self-esteem,
which I may have imposed..
I want you to start thinking of yourself
of your life..
I want you to find your own strength,
which you have derived from me when I was undeserving..
I hate to see my past blooming in you and yet is making you wither..
Feeling helpless, uninterested, incapable.. I know.
There is a fiery nagging urge that keeps you torn
between wanting to compromise
and wanting to heal..
I felt this way, but you were there..
and I do not seem to do the same.
You are full of love,
and I am full of shame..
I hope to see you whole again.
