Saturday 8 March 2014

Beauty And Correlation

Hello, readers! It's been really so long since I last posted anything, and that is because I've been busy with my studies (probably because I lacked motivation, too). But here I am with a new story that I hope you all enjoy! pay attention to the tenses and try to correlate! :D
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As humans, we look at our pains differently, but we all know they're beautiful. Some may find their pain a way to become stronger, wiser or just older. Stronger, because pain, for whatever reason, destructs one part but strengthens another. Wiser, for whatever caused that certain pain would be our new warning not to fall apart ever again, and our new lesson that we will teach others who may or may not go through the same phase that we went through. And others, on the other hand, will just grow older, and as they grow older, pain will be just a memory. All these perspectives illustrate the beauty of life. It is a ladder with few broken rungs, but as long as the base is strong and the upper part remains in its normal structure, you can manage; you just need to push yourself a bit more - every time!

This description also illustrates how we see love. Some see it as weakness, some as strength, some find it cheesy, some find it completely disgusting, but they all may have to struggle to understand it. When they understand it, it begins to be beautiful. They begin to figure out its value. They can weigh it. They can differentiate between infatuation, fascination, lust and love. They then begin to distinguish this strong emotion that can weaken the strongest of them.

For me, that ladder with the broken steps deluded me into thinking that all the other rungs are also damaged until I discovered that I may have to stumble, suffer, but I may also have to fly until I can see that beginning of the perfect steps that lead me to the most beautiful thing that I never thought I could find. I just had to believe in the possibility of this finding, even if it seems a little too impossible.


We often hear that people die from bombs, natural disasters, diseases, strokes, and / or whatever disaster it may be. But those people just die. They rest. Suffer for some time and it's all over. On the other hand, we often see the most damaged people are the ones physically unharmed. Their emotional death starts with filing a divorce, aborting a child, making the wrong choices, breaking up, being betrayed... and the list goes on. 


Again, for me, it was betrayal that brought nothing upon me but insecurity and self-esteem issues. No matter how much we hear, see and know that betrayal is wrong and the one wronged is entirely blameless, that betrayed person is the only person living the consequences of the betrayal. Maybe, just maybe, the betrayer encounters remorse, but that would not reorganize the emotional state of the one facing the consequences. This picture that I'm trying to draw is my way of describing my status and any other betrayed person's. It is bitter - we all know it is without having to explain what happened and why it even happened. Full stop.


And that (betrayal) was the reason I thought all the upcoming rungs were broken. In fact, I never even thought I'd grow stronger or wiser, just older.


Then emerged that bit of sense of hope in me. I did not know but I believed. I believed that there will be that day when I reach the extremity of happiness that I'd also be too sorry for the days wasted - the days before I found this happiness. But was I right? I was damn right. 


I lived two decades searching for the right thing to love aside from the instinctive love for my parents. I wanted to be loved in spite of myself, my flaws, my irrationality, and my occasional insanity. I never wanted to be belittled nor did I ever want to enforce myself on someone just to be safe in his custody. I wanted to be adored for the imperfect person that I am. We all want that don't we? Despite the facade that we all put up, we are all little children wanting to be embraced, accepted, and tolerated. Unfortunately, I was belittled and undermined. Fortunately, I am embraced, tolerated, and adored.

It was a reason I least expected, a person I never knew and a feeling I never even experienced. Again with correlation, would I ever value this feeling, this person, and this reason if I never knew what pain is? If life could just gift me this wonderful gift that can make me happy, would I really be happy? I would not, for I wouldn't have anything to compare it against. We compare a good thing to a bad thing, happiness to sadness, we always have to know how an awful thing is in order to know that this other thing is actually beautiful. 

A blessing to me is this reason, this person and this feeling. And another blessing to me is that pain and that betrayal that made me stronger, wiser, and older. My happiness correlates highly with these blessings!


The End


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Love,
Alia