Friday 30 January 2015

Carmel

They say conflict is the most important part in any relationship; once both speak their negativity out, they settle.. they prosper. Yet, what happens when one of the two chooses not to resolve conflicts?
In spite of what she was known to be, she was the weakest when it came to him. At times, she seemed like an obsessive devotee who got fixated on him and needed to be stopped.
Carmel was the only girl I looked at and saw loyalty beating from her like an aura. My only wish was that Eden could see that. Every night, she would talk to me about her distress, not even in a complaining tone. She would describe how she felt and end it with "I don't give up on people I love." Having said that, Carmel always did give up on the people she loved that proved unworthy of her love and energy, and I was relieved by that knowledge, for Eden, frankly, was only weighing her down. But it took longer than it would normally take Carmel to give up and choose her dignity over a fairy tale, which only meant she buried her pain beneath resistance. This is why I asked her to write letters every night, to Eden, that she would never send, to relieve herself of the burden of bottling up. As her friend, I read him one of her letters because he deserved to grieve way more than we all do..

"Dear Eden,
I always think of the time you told me that you think I think everything's about me. How much more can a person be blinded and ungrateful? Let me tell you what it really is about though.
All I ever do is try to make things right for you and your life ever since day one. I asked a lot about your past for that reason. I wasn't curious, I just wanted to change your view, to make you believe it's not always going to be a failed relationship. But then I found you having who failed you still in your life, and you resist getting rid of her in spite of my ongoing requests. It just seems like I'm too consumed by you that I stopped looking at myself and the person I've become. I get hurt, upset, and mad, and my thoughts keep me up at night but I stopped showing it to you, for I know what will happen: You will either give me the cold shoulder or act defensively until it all seems like my mere fault. And when I finally ignore whatever negativity you project onto me and put it all behind me, I only do that because I think more of you than I think of me. What will Eden do when I leave him? How will his life be? Is he going to drink again? Smoke again? Is he going to be careless about his career again? Who is going to be his voice of reason? I honestly don't know why I'm choosing to be stupidly selfless. I keep telling myself it's all worth it because I'm living for an anticipated future with you. But how will the future be if right now is already weighing me down? One cannot miraculously move mountains suddenly. And if you ask why I feel this way, it is because I, too, have been wronged countless times, that I, too, need someone to remind me I am not only loved but appreciated and respected, that I, too, need someone to try to make me happy and relieve me of my distress, that I, too, need someone to crave my closeness, and that I, too, need to be given as much as I give. It just seems that doing the same to me is your last course of action. Maybe it was not like that some time ago, but for all I know and feel, now, I am just an asset to you, no matter how much you think you love me and care for me. In spite of all this, Eden, I still feel lonely when you choose to abandon me for absolute no reason except your selfish and personal issues that victimize me, and that is when I desperately do all it takes to awaken you from your whims, and this is the most disgusting and shameful part of it all - I've ruined myself to please your only weakness. 
And now it feels like everything I need to feel alive only makes me dead inside.
I do want to hate you, Eden, but what will be the use? After you've used up all what I wouldn't want to be reused. 

Carmel"

There are important cords about any relationship other than mutual affection, that remained untouched in Carmel and Eden's case, the ones that could create harmony, if only Eden tried.. Carmel left with nothing to lose, not even Eden. 
He lost her, that's for sure.