Antalya

{First-person point of view}

I was a young girl, volant.. spirited, spending most of my free time in the eastern side of where I lived.
There, the freedom of the sea gave me life. I was like a mermaid without a care in the world.
In that place, I also spent some extraordinary times.. and sadly, with a person I thought fate brought him to me.. to build a future with me from the very first brick.. However, the next few years were not in our favor, at all.. they were just as deadly as a malady.

André was not like any other; something about him was rare.. very rare, I just could not point a finger at it. The way I admired him was precise; I only admired the way he was.. I could not possibly be in love with him. Yet, I knew he was one in a million, the one in a million I wanted to be with.

He was a gentleman, unlike the eastern typical narrow-minded men. He was well-educated, intellectual, and tender. Still, I was too young to discover my actual feelings towards him. To him, age was not a big deal, to me, it was kind of challenging. I always felt like I could not reach his standards, but I was always delighted to be chosen by him, since he envisaged and planned our relationship over the long-run, and I knew he was serious when he said he wanted more than empty promises, he wanted a contract on a paper.

In our society, especially in his town, girls like me were criticized. I was a city girl, openminded, vibrant, and outgoing. I was almost a threat to his family, who would not accept me as I was. 

I knew I was not a trouble to André himself, but if his family could affect his decision, then they would affect us both, for it was unusual for a man to choose a woman of his desire to them, they had to choose his perfect match.

And when we were a step closer to our engagement, many things started falling apart. The butterfly I was in his eyes started fluttering and becoming almost worthless. Of course, it was at first because of external factors, making the Westminster graduate who later went to Victoria University become as primitive as the people of his town. And that all happened when I paid my first formal visit to his family, one of the royal families.

Although I displayed nothing more than my genteel manners - which I was raised to possess, I was not fully adored. I still believed that we could not homogenize because I was a newcomer and a girl of a different upbringing, and it was true.

Later, his family invited me couple of times to join them in special occasions. I was already part of them. But again, I was not very comfortable, since I could not show them all my true colors - fearing the judgment that could be the end of us - André and I.

They sketched the life their son and I ought to have, just like the other members in their family. 

It was not strange for girls my age to be married in their family, but to me, it was. Therefore, my only condition which I had the right to claim was to complete at least one year of my university studies, and then have my life chained to their son, André.

On the other hand, in the remaining of that same year, internal factors began occurring in drifting us quite apart, that was when I went to the state of Victoria, where André studied. I wanted to see him, since I only saw him in vacations ever since he enrolled in VU.

Yet, that was the time when I knew I could not love him.. not even tolerate him anymore. I found no reasons whatsoever to that disgraceful feeling. I knew if I ever confessed, I might face severe consequences; hence, I chose the wrong road. I chose to lie to him. I thought I might be able to "fake it" until I could "make it," but none of that worked. I stayed in Queensland, where he visited on the weekend.

I was guilty because, despite everything, he was a good person.. a person of his words. At times, I believed I might have bewitched him, since no other man would take a girl as far as he had taken me. Fell in love with me, requested to see me in his place to meet his family, and planned our life that was only a fairytale after he acknowledged I was not true to him.

I was running away from the cruel truth; the truth that I could not be with André. I gave him silly excuses every time he wanted to meet me - in Queensland. 

I would simply tell him how sick I was, and I would remain at home until the beginning of the week when he returned to Victoria. I would hide many things from him, I was, also, most of the time, solemn and expressionless, signaling my honest disinterest.

I was such a mess, stupid thoughts occurred to me, "I'm too young to be destined to a man.. I shouldn't be.. not yet." especially that my three older siblings were not married.. I was also hesitant and confused all of a sudden.

And one day, I walked with my friends of the opposite gender, that André had no idea about, and the shock of my life struck me. André was right in front of me, looking at me in a disillusioned way. I wish I could remember his exact words, but I was too ashamed to even comprehend what he said to me. All I remember was the last sentence he said before the goodbye, "were you bluffing all this time, Antalya?" and I could not utter any words except an impulsive "yes," although, I was not exactly bluffing throughout our entire relationship, but all the pressure I started feeling was in no means advantageous.. I was speechless. Also, I thought he was better off without me.. yet I knew karma would get me, one way or another.

And it did.. in many ways. Until I purified my life from all toxics; I reformed it. Moreover, on another level, I changed my contact numbers, and I made sure no one else from the past could reach me. I was not happier, but I was definitely free of anxiety - just not pain.

Therefore, I sought André's forgiveness, but he never gave me a chance. He was infuriated and disappointed - I could not blame him.

When I later thought I was ready to live just as normally as I did when I first met André, I first wanted to let all my buried emotions out, in any form. So, I began writing stories that nobody would understand or get the message behind them, except the ones that knew me in person.

For my surprise, André - from the other end - read them. I never knew how or why, but he sent me a testimonial, and unexplainably, nobody else's similar words would be delivered to me the way his words were. I felt alive, recognized.. yet I still could not break the ice of the flowing water we froze.

"I thought you should regret our loss, but now I'm the one who's sorry we couldn't be together. Noticing that you have undeniable hearts for someone whose story is a way or another narrated in your stories rests me, I hope they know you're a great powerful person, for it is a shame to regret not trying to figure that out earlier. Have faith." He wrote to me.

Some pains still accompany me, even if I'm forgiven, but I try to never let them consume me.. André will forever be the reason why I blame myself only to find myself stronger, braver and better.

And I can now proceed with the life I've built for myself, and I keep telling myself: sometimes it's not easy, sometimes it doesn't have to be.