Sunday 20 November 2016

Wild, Intimate Frenzy

I've diverged from writing stories since I'm currently writing a book that revolves around sociopolitical issues. The dense and research-based book consumed me in a way that I could not bring myself to write fictions at all. However, I'm giving myself some time for a needed break and here I am with a story - Hope you enjoy it!
DISCLAIMER: not suitable for kids lol!
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In a cold night on the coastal land overlooking the Pacific ocean, Alice found her zen after long exhausting months of chaos and damage. Totally focusing on balancing her mind, body, and soul, she had no plans to involve others in her life.. not after she achieved this relaxed and balanced state of being. On her birthday, however, she had second thoughts about her solitude. Alice could not risk a new relationship though ..

"Although I worked so hard to recompose myself, I am convinced that companionship is the highest virtue in this life. Adam and Eve, a lion and its lioness.. life is all about pairing up with someone to not only survive but to ensure the stability of it. But I cannot imagine myself with anyone anymore.. not after the years I devoted to Jake." Alice thought to herself.

And on that same night, Jake spoke to her. Alice knew how unapologetic Jake was, how unworthy of her time, how unfit.. But she always thought that no one else could know her better and it was going to be exhausting to start over with someone else. Jake was convenient, not the best.

For few days, she gave sorting it out with Jake a thought.. but her thought process got interrupted by an unforeseen incident.

As she was walking on the beach, she bumped into a guy who said something inaudible. Alice was ultimately curious.. she knew he said something about her, she just didn't know what it was. She looked the guy straight in his eyes and asked if he could repeat what he said .. he didn't. Alice, forgetting about what happened, resorted to slot machines, which were her own Xanax. She, however, started to oddly lose her focus. It was that incident on the beach showing up in the back of her mind again.. She thought it wasn't substantial but a voice inside her told her otherwise. It wasn't long until her friend showed up and told her that the same person Alice met on the beach was asking for her number. It was a lot for Alice to process - "what's this coincidence!" she thought. She gave him her number with no second thoughts. She believed that there was something special about what could be just a simple coincidence. As soon as she reached home, Alice rushed to charge her phone to see if he spoke to her. He did. And they conversed for hours.. finding out uncanny facts. They both knew the same people. They both had the same level of intellect, which was a big concern for Alice who had high standards when it came to that. Even though their conversations were through a screen for some time, Alice could feel Morgan's force field attracting her with its full magnetic power. She couldn't even hint at the fact that her interest in him was intensifying, as that would make her look illogical and somewhat insane. She wanted to see him again just so she could test herself around him and know if how she felt was actual or simply delusional. He surprisingly invited her to his place when she least expected it. Alice, a little bit conservative and reserved, thought it was a bad idea.. but she also didn't want to reject him. 

Alice's POV

"I still remember every little detail.. As he was giving me directions to his place, my heart was beating at the speed of light.. I admit I thought about going back home, but there was this urge in me that kept pushing me forward.. walking me to him. I remember getting lost and finding him waiting for me in an alley. I didn't know that man at all and yet I spontaneously trusted my mere desires.. We took the elevator and we weren't alone, which worsened my nervousness for no good reason. I was looking at him the whole time.. well looking at his back, since he was standing in front of me. As soon as we reached, he held me so closely.. and although I'm not a fan of hugs, I have no idea how I involuntarily hugged him. I also remember the date and time. It was on the 5th of August, at around 7 pm. It was a brief 'date' that filled me with dense and overpowering emotions. I still fail to know what happened to my perception that day. It felt like being drunk except I was fully aware of my feelings. I knew how I felt was no less than love. I just knew it. Our energies were colliding until I became fully submerged in his presence. He just knew what I wanted without me uttering the words.. he took me by the hand and walked me to his room. We remained in the dark, allowing our bodies to be guided by the way we feel. It was a night like no other. It ended with him asking me to be his girlfriend. It felt like a marriage proposal to me. Everything that happened that night felt 100 times more special that it really was. That was it. I was too happy... way too happy. I could fly if I wanted! There was this once glitch, though. My health issue that as much as I didn't want him to find out about, I ended up telling him all about.. He seemed 'all in' but he just didn't know how crazy it could be, especially if I choose to be medicated. For the first weeks with him, I was trying my best to handle all sorts of physical pains I felt. He was too good to be true.. too good to be hurt by the side effects of all the drugs I need to take. Day by day, I felt all-consumed by him. I wanted more. I wanted a family... and since my issues are with my reproductive system, I couldn't possibly have a family without being heavily medicated. I underwent different medical trials without telling him. I started small with regular pills that stop my hormonal disturbances to the mother of all devils: Clomid! When I was on the less aggressive pills that induce my ovulation, I met Morgan unknowingly during the window with the highest chance at pregnancy. We were both very careful, but there were those intervals when we weren't. 
I was convinced I was sterile and that the pills did not benefit me in any way, and I stopped taking them. But every time Morgan would talk to me about the kids he wants to have with me, I would take a mental note.. until I started to get extremely overwhelmed. I wanted to restore my reproductive health and be the best version of myself both physically and emotionally.. for him. I went to see a gynecologist that wasn't well reputed. I just wanted Clomid, the fertility drug that works like magic for all women suffering the same way I do. She easily prescribed it, reassuring me that I was 'infertile.'

As soon as I swallowed down that pill, I felt like it took my soul to hell. I blacked out every few hours.. fainted several times.. and I couldn't see clearly at all. I had the worst pelvic pain.. nausea.. and the list goes on. It did not occur to me that those could be pregnancy symptoms.
I could not fight back. The impact of the pill was stronger than I could ever be. My only regret is that I did not inform Morgan about it prior to my consumption. It was too late. I already fell victim to Clomid. As soon as Morgan talked to me, I began to utter the strangest sets of words.. telling him I love him.. and then telling him I could no longer be with him. He was too angry. In fact, he was never as angry as he was that day. I was too carried away to correct myself right away. The drug wore off the next morning. I rushed to talk to him.. to regretfully apologize and explain what happened from A-Z. I was shocked by his reaction. He couldn't let me in.. he still can't. His mind is stuck at the fact that I left him.. full stop. 

Days passed by since our unfortunate and involuntary breakup. Not a day went by without me thinking of him and longing for him so crazily. I still woke up every morning with the automatic urge to talk to him.. I wanted a reason to speak to him. But every time I try to talk, I overflow him with my "auto-writing" and my failed attempts at making amends and justifying myself, repeating that 'medical errors are not conscious mistakes,' but nothing makes sense to him.. I tried to keep my distance until it hit me that I could actually be pregnant. I did not menstruate for two months even though my menstruation itself was induced by OCs. My anxiety and worry skyrocketed, and I just had to speak to him. He assured me that there was no way I could be pregnant, but my intuition told me otherwise. 

I proved myself right.. and for the first time in my life, it didn't feel good to be right. I suddenly had stabbing pains in my pelvis to the point of being unable to walk. I screamed and crawled my way to the bathroom, until I realized I was having a miscarriage. I sat down, crying in disbelief.. convincing myself that it was just a fibroid or anything similar that the OCs discharged. Yet, I could not shake the feeling at all.. the feeling that I carried a child unknowingly and that child did not survive.

I talked to a gynecologist, explaining every little detail of both what Morgan and I did to the details of the miscarriage. Although what she said calmed me down (in light of my situation with Morgan), there was this part of me that was hoping to carry his baby for 9 whole months. My pregnancy was never going to be sustained since it was an ectopic one where the fertilized egg remained static and did not move all the way into the uterus. 

After that shocking and unexpected incident, I felt more connected to Morgan.. But I can't force a horse to drink, I can only lead it to water.

My love for him, however, exceeded my own nature. My background is in combative sports that desensitized me as a person and altered my personality and femininity. But for Morgan, I did it all. All the cliche, cheesy and romantic gestures.. from chocolates to flowers to letters. And yet, it still seemed as though when I show up or whatever has to do with me does, I only reignite the way Morgan felt when I left him, and he responds only to that.. not to my apology not to anything else..
and all our wild and intimate frenzy
was for nothing."


 The End.

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