Recapitulation: Before her performance, Julie encountered a stranger who could charm her among a crowd of hundreds of people, and that incident elevated her curiosity. Also, her performance was fueled by forceful emotions.
....
~ After The Show ~
Julie inescapably followed the stranger until he noticed her. She feigned apathy, as though she did not purposely plan to be found right in front of him. He looked her right in the eye, the same way Eric used to do. However, Julie could not think of anyone - not even who used to behold her the same way, and was simply stunned while still being sort of arrogant, expecting him to talk first, or, maybe, compliment her performance.
He almost spoke but Julie rushed into asking him a random question,
"What do you think of the show?"
He seemed hesitant for no reason, but answered her briefly..
"I think it was great.. you were great!"
Julie smiled, and he was still looking at her blankly.. She could not define his expressions, he was the human version of a maze.
Surprisingly, even that small talk meant much more than Julie thought a conversation would ever mean.
Days turned to months, and Julie was still thinking about the stranger who had her heart. She found no explanation whatsoever to what he had her under. All she wished for was another coincidence.
And so did she bump into him, twice.
In those two times, she could no longer deny the connection. She even found no shame in taking the initiative to be friends. She wanted to know him; she was sure of what she felt.
She talked to him genuinely, telling him that she could recall him.. and so on. Luckily, he seemed quite interested, yet still indefinite and vague.
His name was Sade, tall and handsome he was, but none of that interested Julie as much as their seemingly twisted link.
And as days went by, it seemed as though they were both hung on each other's lives. Neither could do without the other, and yet they could not define what they were.. Were they lovers? Were they just friends? They could not tell. It just seemed as if they were more than friends but less than lovers, which was agitating to Julie. She always wanted to drive him as crazy as he drove her, but she preserved her pride not to complicate things. She wanted him to calculate his own steps and answer his own questions. In the meantime, they both maintained the friendship that clearly none of them wanted - they wanted more. But unapparent factors kept them reserved and conservative.
Shockingly, they could go on for years feigning disinterest.. neither of them wished to leave the other, but neither tried to indulge the chances to obtain a greater happiness to be the lovers they could be.
Julie then realized that he started to occupy both her mind and her heart, and she found herself falling in love with him in ways undefined. And that was when fear crept into her.
"Maybe if I start showing him what I know we can both be, he will take advantage of that. Maybe he's just enjoying the uncertainty.. Maybe it won't feel as strong when I come to confess." She thought to herself.
But she could not stop how she felt from coming in the way. She started to argue a lot with him - on the silliest of things, only because she had that impulse she could not speak of. So, her actions and words involuntarily wanted to direct him to her feelings and truest intentions, but he was almost blinded. He thought her outbursts and overreactions were simply dramatic and unneeded, yet they were more than that. She cared for him, and she adored him truthfully.
Furthermore, their failure to express their feelings, even when unintended, separated them awhile. Both held tight to their pride, even when dying to talk to each other. Of course, it was not only the lack of expression. Many variables stood in their way, too. Some which Julie could never know about, and some which she, herself, hid. It was like a riddle that they had its solution but refused to solve.
So, she decided she should move on.. He did, too.
Moving on to Julie always meant concentrating on her passions. Yet, that time was different.. She could not focus on anything, not even yoga, which she did occasionally - especially when she was tense.
She then came to realize that her serenity was linked to Sade; on the other hand, she still awaited his call - she did not wish to be the 'desperate' one.
Months passed, and just when Julie was on the verge of losing hope, Sade called her. Hiding his yearning, he kept admonishing her.. asking how she could survive without him.
Julie was baffled and could not even speak until he noticed the difference in her tune and decided they should 'forget about it' and start over. Ironically, they were never even in a relationship, but something in their heart made it so hard to be apart.
Sade seemed different that time - more committed and more caring. It was as though he was offering his life to Julie without claiming it. At some point, his actions spoke louder than words, but again, silence confused her. She was just torn between believing that he, too, loved her, and not knowing if he really did.
Thus, that held her back from admitting her true feelings. She avoided rejection and disillusion. His happiness meant more to her than their shared life goals and feelings, and the fact that they were doing better than they ever did was another reason why she remained quiet about however she felt.
Until one day, unexpectedly, after a sudden quick fight they had, Sade stormed out and almost offended Julie. He wanted to part for good, but Julie resisted.
"Do whatever pleases you" she said
And that was when he hung up, but called her back in few minutes..
"This is what pleases me.. talking to you" he told her, in a calm deep tune.
She was surprised but also flattered.
He then proceeded by telling her that he never knew he loved her until that moment of his rage. She could only tell him she loved him too, leaving out all the rest.
For the first time in her life, Julie felt lucky. She found herself more tranquil, serene and comforted with him. Never did she doubt him nor doubt her love. Yet, her only wish was that he felt the same way.
She reached an extent of full devotion; she gave up everything for him. Tango dancing, writing, and everything else that used to bring her joy before she got attached to him. She simply found no meaning in something that did not involve him.
At heart, she knew that if she ever lost him, she would lose everything, since she let go of her entire former life for a new start with him. And when her friends asked her about her sudden transformation, she would simply say, “should you know him as well as I do, you’ll know how valuable and amazing he is. He’s worth it.” They were a bit worried because she seemed to be a bit too crazy about him - especially after witnessing the wreck that Eric once made her. They did not want to see her hurt.
But of course, Julie was convinced that she could be eternal with Sade, just because she knew her love to him would survive forever.
They would talk every night for hours without getting bored, and only did unavoidable sleepiness force them to hang up. Sade kept Julie alive, upbeat and gratified.. but a part of him was still conservative and private. She neglected that – not to raise arguments that lead to separation. It bothered her sometimes; especially that she was completely dedicated to him.
They later began to occasionally hang out – breaking the ice and gradually getting closer. To see him was heaven to Julie. She would just behold him and get too lost in him, and he would do the same.
Their relationship seemed unbreakable. But they never knew what was planned ahead.
For Sade’s birthday, Julie did not wish to be formal. A gift to her was something that could carry a deep meaning. She thought nothing else could symbolize passionate love and liveliness like the birth flower, juin rose blanche (June’s white rose), which was given traditionally to people born in that specific month.
She asked the florist to send him a day before his birthday, with the assortments of macarons he always loved and, of course, a birthday cake.
In theory, that was supposed to be the beginning of their homogenization – their love, their commitment and transparency. However, it all froze after the dinner date they had on Sade’s birthday.
He wanted to take her to a Japanese restaurant since too long, and his birthday was a chance that Julie could accompany him to it. She could not tell him that she no longer liked the Japanese cuisine since she didn’t want to disappoint him. She still, however, liked the Asian infusion in their desserts, so she wanted to go for that.
In the restaurant, Sade seemed raged for no apparent reason, that even her appetite was an issue to him. He thought that she was being unreasonably shy for skipping both the appetizers and entrées. In reality, none of that even mattered to her – that she could not stand the restaurant or their food, as much as his company did.
Even though the entire date seemed tense, it still highlighted Julie’s day.
And starting from the morning after that dinner, Sade faded out.
He would barely talk to her, and whenever she asked if anything was wrong, he would simply give unconvincing excuses until he finally told her, “I don’t see that we’re going anywhere. We can’t work out.”
What Julie never considered to be destined to happen was just around the corner. For some time, she still had hope that he would rethink.. but as days went by without him speaking to her, she knew that she was in deed left with nothing but herself.
Soliloquy:
I don’t want to believe that I’m devoid of everything I’ve ever loved, and I don’t want to think that everything I’ve shared with Sade just went to waste. It’s not even logical that such strong connection could die in less than a day, so what’s the real reason behind this fate? Have I known the reasons, I would’ve been more likely to accept the fact that he abandoned me, but I can’t, and I fear that I never will..
I don’t want him to become one of those people I once enjoyed knowing, and who later grew into being someone I regret thinking about.
He knew me for years, if he really assumed we couldn’t go further, he would have thought about it earlier.. much earlier! Just not now.. not after he told me he loved me.. not after we shared a lot of things. and not after I believed in him, and us.
It’s painful to think that he might just be another version of Eric; letting go once they find out how in love I am with them.. but again, Sade is not a jerk and is not the type that would hurt me willingly. So what is it in him that’s spoiling the attractiveness of my strength?
Julie went on with her life while being wounded. Resisting burning out, she tried to distract herself with literally anything - listening to music frequently, going to spas..etc.
She did not want to become the person she once was after being hurt.
So, she simply survived her nights alone, over-thinking and writing. And her days, on the other hand, were pretty much occupied, and yet she still thought of Sade.. one way or another.
The End
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