The Faults

"To err is human - to forgive is divine.." we say, only when we err. Yet, when others wrong us, we are suddenly the victimized, the bleeding, the broken.. 
We may use the fact that we were once, or twice, hurt badly to hurt someone else just as badly.
This is all automatic and involuntary. Will we still do that if we give ourselves a chance to be a little bit more conscious? Maybe, if we control our impulsive words and actions.

We are protective of our pains; we tend to hold on to them and use them as bullets to shoot those we think are bound to hurt us, even if we knew at heart that they are not the monsters. Hence, we become the monsters.

This repetitive pattern is neither in our favor nor in others', it cannot possibly answer the question of "who is really at fault?"
If the first person to hurt you was hurt by someone else and that someone else was once wronged by another...etc.

Sometimes, even if it hurts, we need to put an end to this pattern. Not everyone deserves pain.

Some people might love us, truly, and fancy us, while we're too concentrated on giving the most hideous gift someone else has given us to those people that sit right there and care for us. Those people that can understand us in ways beyond our realization, those people we turned away because we were oblivious.
We were first oblivious, and then we became selfish.. We could not even humble ourselves to realize what we were doing.

And just when we realize what we have put some people through, we begin to digest the fact that we are just as messed up - as cruel as whoever hurt us, but it's too late to make amends.

This one's for you - anyone..

I'm sorry.

Every So Often

{ The first part }

Sometimes by hurting people, you give them a reason to hurt others, which was the case with Antalya.

A young, guiltless and immature girl she was. Surrounded by those she called friends, who were no more than teenagers dwelling in unrealistic concerns.

Unlike her friends, Antalya never wanted to be that person weakened by love; she believed it was all a matter of temporary infatuation that hooks people to a dream that they will soon wake up from.

Seeing how her friends turn from happy to upset once they split up with their partners, and seeing them then become happily in love again proved to Antalya that whatever a relationship between two people may be, it is never trustworthy – it is never going to last.

Yet that was a year before Antalya’s heart could impact her mentality.

-       Antalya’s point of view

I was listening to Melissa’s grumbles. She could not stop talking about her breakup, making it seem as though it was a drastic divorce. Melissa was my friend – actually, she had this urgency to be my friend when she formerly was just a friend of a friend.. At first, I did not trust Melissa, for her approach was strange. Why would anyone want to be my friend so soon and spill his or her secrets to me? Yet, she seemed desperate to talk out; to be heard..

 I pitied Melissa, wholeheartedly. I thought her situation was really serious, and relationships do matter after all. It connects two strangers and makes them the closest and most significant other to one another. Melissa was in love with Marc, saying, “he really loves me and is waiting for a chance,” but she was in a relationship with someone else – at least, that was what I thought, or what she made me believe. Until I met Marc, who Melissa urged me to meet, I never knew someone could be too mysterious. She said, “don’t tell him you know me” – an archaic way to be the portal between two lovers.

Marc and I became friends instantly. He was the opposite of everything Melissa told me he was. He was not uptight and reserved, nor was he unpredictable and introverted. In fact, I found him a better friend than any of my female friends. Of course, I did not tell Melissa about that. She knew we talked, she just did not know how we did. She even expected him to be talking about her to me and was waiting for ‘updates.’

Ironically, he only mentioned her once, or maybe twice. I was confused; I doubted everything Melissa said. If he loved her, why isn’t he saying anything about her?

It was time I told Marc that Melissa was my friend, and I did. I still regret the day I told him that, for I did not ever expect a reflex like his.

Marc grew even closer to Antalya. She was in that position of “more than friends, less than lovers” with him. Unlike her other male friends, Marc had a distinguished place in Antalya’s heart. She thought he was becoming her closest friends when in fact she was falling in love with him. Of course, Antalya would not know how to define her feelings, for she had never experienced such a thing. Marc seemed to acknowledge Antalya’s feelings more than she could tell, though.

She talked to him every morning, if not every night as well. He became the only importance in her life. She felt guilty, for she was supposed to help Melissa, but she could not control her gravity.

When she finally realized it, Antalya could not afford confessing to Marc. She had dreams about him, she changed because of him, and he never even knew. She would wait for him to return when he was abroad, and when going out, Antalya would wear pumps, even though she struggled to walk in them, instead of sneakers, a dress instead of pants, and drew a line over her colorless eyelids just because she knew she was going to bump into Marc.

Marc seemed fascinated by Antalya, yet she still felt inferior. She was nowhere near Melissa, neither in beauty nor in character. Melissa was fair, out-loud, arrogant, extroverted and fierce, a kind that Marc would suit. Antalya herself was fond of Melissa’s personality, before she knew the truth.

One day, Marc decided to astonish Antalya. He said it in an unexhausted tone; a very relaxed and confident manner:

I love you.

And in that moment, Antalya has fallen head over heels for Marc.

Of course, she kept it a secret, not wanting Melissa to ever know. She expected paradise and freedom, craze and endearment, until the day that shocked her for life.

Marc admitted he was never truthful. It was a game that he did not want to lose. Yet, he did lose Antalya.

-       Antalya’s perspective

He hurt me until I felt too consumed by pain, as though it was not only the heart that gets broken, it was the entire body. I still did not judge what he did; I believed he had a reason to do that, but he also gave me a reason to want to hurt someone. I wanted to be the inflictor; I had this unexplained violence inside. I craved victimizing people, and I did.

It was wrong of me to do that, but now when I think of it, I believe Marc had the same urgency, which is why I was the victim.

She just did not know the reason until couple of years later, when it was too late to do anything. Yet, at least, Antalya has finally forgiven Marc.

From a mutual friend, Antalya knew that Melissa lied all that time. She betrayed Marc and cheated on him with one of his friends. She only wanted to be Antalya’s friend because she knew Marc would never suspect anything since he never knew Antalya, or knew that she was Melissa’s friend. Melissa’s plan failed, and it also backfired on the blameless Antalya. Antalya was merely the victim of Melissa and Marc’s issues.

Even though it was too late for Antalya to know the truth, it made her begin a new life with a broader mind and a more forgiving heart.

She has gone through worse than her very first heartbreak that she realized pain is not only linked to Marc or a failed relationship, there is more to life to experience, both good and bad.

{The second part – years later}

In the midst of unresolved issues that Antalya has faced in her life, she could not expect to be made happy ever again, but it is going through pain that makes the heart value happiness.

-       Antalya’s point of view

I was desperate to have a getaway, and my summer vacation was my only chance to have serenity and peace of mind. I planned to not use any electronic devices, and not meet any new people. I only wanted time to spend time with myself after all that has happened to me. Crazy it was, but I was determined to detach that ugly past from my life. Could I really do that alone?

No matter how strong and determined I thought I was, I would not possibly be a happy person again if it were not for the person I met in summer .. a genuinely kind and caring person who was my actual getaway.

When we talked, I could not think of any of those things that used to frequently haunt my mind. I would miss him when we weren’t talking, and crave late night conversations with him.

In my heart, I knew he was real, and I only grew fonder of him. For no apparent reason, I felt gratified to meet him, and comfortable with him. He was one of those few people that you click instantly with.

I wanted to be the girl he feels the same way towards, but I never knew if I was able to. So, I kept the friendship flowing..

 

Until he started saying that he is falling for a girl. I felt the fiercest jealousy rushing through my veins, and I could not afford losing him. I embraced all the courage I have and told him that I loved him. I did not expect a response; I just wanted him to be informed.

Surprisingly, and fortunately, he told me that I was the girl he was talking about; he just did not know how to tell me.

It feels similar to how it started with Marc, but I am 3 years older now, and a hundred times wiser.

Now I feel that no matter what it is that I've been through, one person, one reason, can be my one-way ticket to happiness, and this does not happen every so often.

I shall forever hold on to my miracles!

The end.

Sacrifice

People sometimes hurt the ones that love them for the sake of pleasing the ones they love.  Love is a sacrifice; a trade-off. There is always giving up something major and valuable for something more valuable.

Sacrifice can be a dangerous thing and it has been deadly to Isabel. She hurt no one but herself in order to please the one person she once loved, for she knew he did not exactly love her – he did not love her at all.

The man she loved was a man wounded by several women, and Isabel was the sufferer.

The efforts were exhausting, yet she still did all she could do to just contain him and be there for him. For some time, he seemed thankful to have her – he was thankful to have a girl he could enjoy for selfish reasons: he wanted to feel stronger, loved and cherished. The things he probably could never feel with the ones he loved most.

He gradually stimulated every bit of Isabel’s being, knowing that she was in love with him; however, he did not aim to love her or ever value her. He did the exact opposite; he degraded her and belittled her. He did that even by exhibiting nothing but mere loyalty to Isabel.

She was not fooled; she knew the truth, she knew he was just feeling empty. She was simply on a continuous journey of sacrifice. Blinding herself, feigning insensibility, and running without a inhalation nor exhalation. She knew a day beyond her comprehension would come; him hitting her with the truth she always knew. And yet, she chose to devote herself, her power and time to that one ungrateful man.

At times, he would lie to her..

At other times, he would try to make her happy in the strangest ways..

But at all times, he was hurting it.

When he tried to please her by making her feel like a priority, she would feel as though he was just feeling bad for her – for loving him.

And when he lied and acted weirdly, she was afraid of being shut out right away.

Sometimes, she would chop her hair alone as a reflex. Sometimes, she would cry herself to sleep. Sometimes, she would dance until she is controlled by the music. And that was because she never wanted to confront him, she only wanted to seem foolish; believing he was a faithful lover.

The labyrinth with him could not make her any more tangled. She did not give up until he did. He basically stopped feeling comfortable with all his indecency with Isabel. He got trapped, he wanted a way out.. So, he ended the relationship with Isabel that was more to her than a mere unofficial linkage between a guy and a girl. It was a huge risk she took, a great pain she handled, and an ongoing exhaustion.

She let him be, fulfilling his choice. Separation – a permanent one. Her only remedy was writing; the only way she would eliminate her emotions that fly high and sink deep.. Her writing summarized her struggle and her sacrifice, but it could never give anyone a taste of her actual bleeding pain.

She wrote, referring to herself:

You couldn't buy her

nor buy her happiness.

You couldn't secure her with chains

nor chain her to you.

The only thing you did was the worst thing you could ever do.

She was a ball in your roulette; the game you knew you would never win.

not because she did not spin right

but because you could not differentiate between odd and even.

She was the appealing damsel that you were not determined to wed

only determined to enjoy and destroy.

You turned her beating red heart into a pulsating black dust

that you walked across but did not wish to own

You turned her innocent behavior into an unfaithful ill soul

You drove her mad in ways only the devil could control

only the devil could come up with.

She knew it all, what you think she did not know..

And yet, she still knew there was no space enough to fit her

but the heartache your arms offered.

So, that was why she came back to where she never belonged;

To love you, for she was faithful

And you were faithful not.

Isabel realized that he was the coward that whole time, and she managed to stop loving him. But the anger dwelled in her little betrayed heart, and frustration accompanied her brutal pride.

The End

A Quote I Came Across..

“You think because he doesn't love you that you are worthless. You think that because he doesn't want you anymore that he is right -- that his judgement and opinion of you are correct. If he throws you out, then you are garbage. You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him. Don't. It's a bad word, 'belong.' Especially when you put it with somebody you love. Love shouldn't be like that. Did you ever see the way the clouds love a mountain? They circle all around it; sometimes you can't even see the mountain for the clouds. But you know what? You go up top and what do you see? His head. The clouds never cover the head. His head pokes through, beacuse the clouds let him; they don't wrap him up. They let him keep his head up high, free, with nothing to hide him or bind him. You can't own a human being. You can't lose what you don't own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don't, do you? And neither does he. You're turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can't value you more than you value yourself.” 

― Toni Morrison

She Said Goodbye

Summer is always filled with memories, mostly good ones. It is when everyone is in the mood for nothing but relaxation.. It is when almost everyone seeks amends and wants to begin a new story that they shall never forget.

On the other hand, the hot summer froze Annabelle’s heart, and it gave her sorrow that no other person felt. She did not seek adjustments; she only wanted to recover from the unmanageable pain that struck her.

Annabelle is a young lady whose heart has been stolen by the knight of her dreams. However, unlike most women, Anna has found ways to keep herself away from being fully-committed; in fact, she has never revealed the true colors of her feelings – her feelings towards Smith, her knight.

Her love to him was exhausting; she had to hide her affection, and it made her seem expressionless. What Smith thought Annabelle was did not resemble what she really felt. He thought she was aloof, solemn and vague. Sometimes, he felt she was unnecessary. Of course, that hurt Anna, since all that could shake her was his presence, and only his. Yet, she could not verbalize it. She could not even find a wordless gesture that would send him the message – the message that she was undeniably and insanely in love with him.

Smith was an entrepreneur whose life was not that ideal busy one of a businessman. If he was not found in a 5* lounge, he would definitely be ‘chilling’ in his yacht somewhere in the middle of nowhere. A man like him was definitely fascinating to women, and also appealing; he was wealthy, handsome, and gallant. However, Annabelle was indifferent about what he possessed, his wealth and magnificence. She was unreservedly in love with every ounce of his imperfection and fragile bit of his being.

It was about time that Smith recognized Annabelle as the special person that he should’ve noticed from the beginning. He found something in her that he never saw in any of the girls that he once was involved in a relationship with, except that he could not point his finger at that specific thing that distinguished Annabelle from all others. So, he began to trust her. He began to speak out to her.

That could not please Annabelle as much as it infuriated her, for Smith’s transparency included talking about his past with an outsider that once governed his heart. Besides, it also made him wish to shut Annabelle out of his life several times – whenever he remembered the way he was once ruined by a woman.

Annabelle restrained herself while Smith spilled out all that he had. She cared not so much about being the missing piece in his life as much as she wanted him to be happy – even if it meant concealing her anger and jealousy. Hence, if he viewed her as a friend that he could talk to about anything, she was honored to be that friend. She never wanted to burden him; she did not want to enforce herself on him. So, she could let their friendship flow and could burn her desire that sought to develop it.

Furthermore, she somewhat felt inferior. From what he said, Annabelle believed that she could not make him happy the same way his ex-girlfriend did. She felt that she lacked what it took to be that person that could complete him; however, she just did not want to walk away from him – at least not without having a stamp in his life that he would always remember.

Smith, on the other side, seemed to notice Anna’s unconditional concern and care, and that it was not just ‘friendly’ of her. And shockingly, he also seemed to intentionally fuel it.

He started calling her frequently – sometimes waking her up to just talk. At times, Anna would think that he was just trying to boost his ego since he was once love-wrecked and, maybe, mistreated by the woman he adored, but her feelings for him could not allow her to push him away anymore. She was finally content and happy with him. She found joy in every conversation they had – even if it was mere silence. Yet, again, she was not convinced that she was supposed to confront him about the way she felt.

Annabelle, even though conservative, still gave up many things for Smith. She did not feel the need to be friends with any other man; even the ones that were always like brothers to her. She also gradually grew out of her hunger for achieving the certificate of merit in health sciences – her field of interest, which was her number-one priority before Smith attached her soul to his.

She found no harm in sacrificing for the sake of the one man she was fond of. In fact, she was pleased to be the girl that pleased him.

As days went by, the two seemed unbreakable, at least, to Annabelle. She reached an extent of finding no extent to her love. It was time that she awaited the three-words to her heart before she could say them, but Smith seemed unwilling to recognize his feelings. He was simply stuck somewhere in his past where he felt incapable of loving Anna the right way.

That did not sadden her or disappoint her, for his closeness was more than enough to create her comfort. Also, his devotion signaled an upcoming realization – that he in deed loved her just as much as she did, or else, why would anyone dedicate his time to one girl and make sure she knew she was his only one?

Unsurprisingly, Smith finally filled Annabelle’s ears with the words she secretly desired to hear. And at that point, there was nothing that could beat her happiness. She fell head over heels; she could not even think right nor consider any consequence of giving her all to one person.

And as soon as she began to impulsively plan their love life in her head, Smith radically became distant. It was noticeable yet unexplained, which was even harder to digest.

“I hate how he never instantly tells me if something is wrong with him so I wouldn’t worry.. But nothing can stop me from going insane and overthinking. I just hope he’s well because if he’s not, I might as well collapse. His well-being means everything to me.” Annabelle thought to herself during his absence.

And when she asked about him after giving him a one-day break, Smith stabbed Anna’s heart with words sharper than a sword’s edge.

“We have nothing in common. I’m honest with you; we’re not working out.” He said.

Annabelle was shocked to an extent that she wished it were a joke. She could not even collect herself, and she stormed out.

“What do you mean we can’t work out? Couldn’t you realize this earlier? Maybe before you intentionally set fire to my rain and kindle all emotions?” She said.

Smith’s ego seemed tackled by her words; he said, “You’re the one who attached yourself to me.” It was insensible since he clearly was the reason behind Annabelle’s crazy attachment to him, and his argument was invalid.

She refused to take the argument further with him, for his surprise. She simply chose to be the mature one and stay away despite her terrible disillusion and fury. She believed that having a reason would’ve made a difference, but it was what it was.

Monologue: “It’s not the first time for him to say this exact sentence to me.. Not having anything in common has always seemed to be an issue to him! Can’t he know that opposites attract? And seriously, it’s stupid to even use that as a reason to end things with me.

But he used to also snap out of it eventually and restore normality with me.. I just don’t know why it’s taking too long this time and why it seems a little bit more serious than the other times.”

Days and weeks passed without Smith talking to Annabelle, or at least apologizing, and every single day in his absence felt like a new life to her – a bitter one that she could not tolerate. It was not strange, for he had her nights occupied with his conversations and had her days occupied with his thoughts, yet it was undeniably unfair on her.

He owed her an explanation, a rationalization, but he came up with none, which also kept Annabelle away from initiating her desired discussion to clarify things to help her accept the unwanted separation.

Consequently, Annabelle found herself stuck in a conundrum; she began to suffocate in sorrow. She found no way to fill his vacancy, not even by refocusing on her previous one-candle wish to be the valedictorian in the college of health sciences. Her soul craved no interest whatsoever; she only wished to isolate herself and feed on grief. Her breakdown started to be obvious. Her family and friend were concerned, since she technically became someone she never was; watching bunch of movies in a row, hanging out frequently, eating junk food, and terribly struggling with insomnia. Not to mention, her GPA also dropped and she did not seem to care like she always did.

The reason behind her collapse was embedded in the unjustified and baseless split-up. Annabelle was simply not emotionally nor mentally prepared to ever leave Smith’s side, and it seemed like he forced her into separation for a reason that is not pointed out.

In the midst of the distance that stiffened Annabelle’s pride yet worsened her sorrow, Smith chose to reappear in her life, claiming that he was only ‘checking’ on her.

As soon as she saw her telephone ringing, she was confident that his call would mean nothing to her.. Until she answered.

Her voice shook like a trembling tree resisting a hurricane. Still, she reserved herself and did not show any interest in what he was doing. He asked how she was and told her to take care, but she simply did not.

“Before we spoke of our feelings, he would call me all of a sudden to just say hi, even if we were in a fight – even if he was in a relationship.

And this makes me feel awful because he might also be with someone else now.. ‘cause this is when he realizes that he misses me.

I just don’t want him to terrorize my emotions anymore. I already have nothing to look forward to, nothing to hold on to, except my dignity.

The one man I thought would never bring remorse upon me is a reason why I regret giving up a lot of my priorities for. He’s just not worth it.

He’s not worth the times I cried when I knew he wasn’t well…

He’s not deserving of the fact that I put aside my studies to be there for him – to brighten his darkest of days when I knew he needed someone.

He was oblivious for years, and I still didn’t care, for all I wanted for him was contentment and delight. I wanted him to be happy, whether with me or without me.. but not until he gave me false hopes. At that point, I wanted to be the source of his gratification and happiness, maybe because he was the source of mine.

Smith has taken over me and all I’m doing now is try – trying to live as I survive.”

Annabelle decided to empty her head and get out of her shell. She planned the days of summer vacation with her girl friends.

And on a day of those, she bumped into Smith, and it was not a pleasant coincidence to her. However, she decided to break the ice; giving him the impression that she was over him.

“It’s nice to see you, Anna.” – S

“Thanks.” – A

“This place.. our first rendezvous, remember?” – S

“Oh.. Ya, now I do.” – A

“Can you believe it’s been almost three years since we first met?” – S

“Well, time flies, Smith, and everything changes before you even know it.

I need to go now.” – A

“Let me talk to you, Anna.

 Let me take you for dinner and forget…..” – S

“That you’ve been unfair on me? That you began to be misleading ever since you told me you loved me? That you left me clueless until this day? Forget what exactly!” – A

“Calm down. I can make it up, I promise.. Just come with me.” – S

“I’m afraid you can’t..

I’m not your puppet anymore. I don’t wait until you’re back to your senses and welcome you in my arms. Smith, you overdid it. I just… can’t.

You can’t just hurt me and come back like you did nothing!” – A

They both remained quiet for some time, and then Annabelle had the urge to spill out all that was stored in her heart, and Smith was listening to her, inescapably.

“I loved you, Smith... I wholeheartedly did. Having to walk away from me was the cruelest thing you’ve ever done. A relationship with me was not exhausting; it required nothing but sincerity… I’m unlike the rest; you can’t and shouldn’t please me with a Van Cleef garland, a Rattlesnake purse or a fancy dinner… These things are inferior to me; they mean nothing! If they kept any one of them in your life, the only thing that ever hooked me to you was just you, yourself.” – A

“So are you telling me that you stopped loving me?” – S

“I’m not. In fact, I still love you and I miss you.

But I’m done believing in you.

Goodbye.” – A

Annabelle figured out that her attachment to Smith had to finally be torn. Yet, she knew that he would always be the story of her heartbreak.

The End.