Sacrifice

People sometimes hurt the ones that love them for the sake of pleasing the ones they love.  Love is a sacrifice; a trade-off. There is always giving up something major and valuable for something more valuable.

Sacrifice can be a dangerous thing and it has been deadly to Isabel. She hurt no one but herself in order to please the one person she once loved, for she knew he did not exactly love her – he did not love her at all.

The man she loved was a man wounded by several women, and Isabel was the sufferer.

The efforts were exhausting, yet she still did all she could do to just contain him and be there for him. For some time, he seemed thankful to have her – he was thankful to have a girl he could enjoy for selfish reasons: he wanted to feel stronger, loved and cherished. The things he probably could never feel with the ones he loved most.

He gradually stimulated every bit of Isabel’s being, knowing that she was in love with him; however, he did not aim to love her or ever value her. He did the exact opposite; he degraded her and belittled her. He did that even by exhibiting nothing but mere loyalty to Isabel.

She was not fooled; she knew the truth, she knew he was just feeling empty. She was simply on a continuous journey of sacrifice. Blinding herself, feigning insensibility, and running without a inhalation nor exhalation. She knew a day beyond her comprehension would come; him hitting her with the truth she always knew. And yet, she chose to devote herself, her power and time to that one ungrateful man.

At times, he would lie to her..

At other times, he would try to make her happy in the strangest ways..

But at all times, he was hurting it.

When he tried to please her by making her feel like a priority, she would feel as though he was just feeling bad for her – for loving him.

And when he lied and acted weirdly, she was afraid of being shut out right away.

Sometimes, she would chop her hair alone as a reflex. Sometimes, she would cry herself to sleep. Sometimes, she would dance until she is controlled by the music. And that was because she never wanted to confront him, she only wanted to seem foolish; believing he was a faithful lover.

The labyrinth with him could not make her any more tangled. She did not give up until he did. He basically stopped feeling comfortable with all his indecency with Isabel. He got trapped, he wanted a way out.. So, he ended the relationship with Isabel that was more to her than a mere unofficial linkage between a guy and a girl. It was a huge risk she took, a great pain she handled, and an ongoing exhaustion.

She let him be, fulfilling his choice. Separation – a permanent one. Her only remedy was writing; the only way she would eliminate her emotions that fly high and sink deep.. Her writing summarized her struggle and her sacrifice, but it could never give anyone a taste of her actual bleeding pain.

She wrote, referring to herself:

You couldn't buy her

nor buy her happiness.

You couldn't secure her with chains

nor chain her to you.

The only thing you did was the worst thing you could ever do.

She was a ball in your roulette; the game you knew you would never win.

not because she did not spin right

but because you could not differentiate between odd and even.

She was the appealing damsel that you were not determined to wed

only determined to enjoy and destroy.

You turned her beating red heart into a pulsating black dust

that you walked across but did not wish to own

You turned her innocent behavior into an unfaithful ill soul

You drove her mad in ways only the devil could control

only the devil could come up with.

She knew it all, what you think she did not know..

And yet, she still knew there was no space enough to fit her

but the heartache your arms offered.

So, that was why she came back to where she never belonged;

To love you, for she was faithful

And you were faithful not.

Isabel realized that he was the coward that whole time, and she managed to stop loving him. But the anger dwelled in her little betrayed heart, and frustration accompanied her brutal pride.

The End

A Quote I Came Across..

“You think because he doesn't love you that you are worthless. You think that because he doesn't want you anymore that he is right -- that his judgement and opinion of you are correct. If he throws you out, then you are garbage. You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him. Don't. It's a bad word, 'belong.' Especially when you put it with somebody you love. Love shouldn't be like that. Did you ever see the way the clouds love a mountain? They circle all around it; sometimes you can't even see the mountain for the clouds. But you know what? You go up top and what do you see? His head. The clouds never cover the head. His head pokes through, beacuse the clouds let him; they don't wrap him up. They let him keep his head up high, free, with nothing to hide him or bind him. You can't own a human being. You can't lose what you don't own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don't, do you? And neither does he. You're turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can't value you more than you value yourself.” 

― Toni Morrison

She Said Goodbye

Summer is always filled with memories, mostly good ones. It is when everyone is in the mood for nothing but relaxation.. It is when almost everyone seeks amends and wants to begin a new story that they shall never forget.

On the other hand, the hot summer froze Annabelle’s heart, and it gave her sorrow that no other person felt. She did not seek adjustments; she only wanted to recover from the unmanageable pain that struck her.

Annabelle is a young lady whose heart has been stolen by the knight of her dreams. However, unlike most women, Anna has found ways to keep herself away from being fully-committed; in fact, she has never revealed the true colors of her feelings – her feelings towards Smith, her knight.

Her love to him was exhausting; she had to hide her affection, and it made her seem expressionless. What Smith thought Annabelle was did not resemble what she really felt. He thought she was aloof, solemn and vague. Sometimes, he felt she was unnecessary. Of course, that hurt Anna, since all that could shake her was his presence, and only his. Yet, she could not verbalize it. She could not even find a wordless gesture that would send him the message – the message that she was undeniably and insanely in love with him.

Smith was an entrepreneur whose life was not that ideal busy one of a businessman. If he was not found in a 5* lounge, he would definitely be ‘chilling’ in his yacht somewhere in the middle of nowhere. A man like him was definitely fascinating to women, and also appealing; he was wealthy, handsome, and gallant. However, Annabelle was indifferent about what he possessed, his wealth and magnificence. She was unreservedly in love with every ounce of his imperfection and fragile bit of his being.

It was about time that Smith recognized Annabelle as the special person that he should’ve noticed from the beginning. He found something in her that he never saw in any of the girls that he once was involved in a relationship with, except that he could not point his finger at that specific thing that distinguished Annabelle from all others. So, he began to trust her. He began to speak out to her.

That could not please Annabelle as much as it infuriated her, for Smith’s transparency included talking about his past with an outsider that once governed his heart. Besides, it also made him wish to shut Annabelle out of his life several times – whenever he remembered the way he was once ruined by a woman.

Annabelle restrained herself while Smith spilled out all that he had. She cared not so much about being the missing piece in his life as much as she wanted him to be happy – even if it meant concealing her anger and jealousy. Hence, if he viewed her as a friend that he could talk to about anything, she was honored to be that friend. She never wanted to burden him; she did not want to enforce herself on him. So, she could let their friendship flow and could burn her desire that sought to develop it.

Furthermore, she somewhat felt inferior. From what he said, Annabelle believed that she could not make him happy the same way his ex-girlfriend did. She felt that she lacked what it took to be that person that could complete him; however, she just did not want to walk away from him – at least not without having a stamp in his life that he would always remember.

Smith, on the other side, seemed to notice Anna’s unconditional concern and care, and that it was not just ‘friendly’ of her. And shockingly, he also seemed to intentionally fuel it.

He started calling her frequently – sometimes waking her up to just talk. At times, Anna would think that he was just trying to boost his ego since he was once love-wrecked and, maybe, mistreated by the woman he adored, but her feelings for him could not allow her to push him away anymore. She was finally content and happy with him. She found joy in every conversation they had – even if it was mere silence. Yet, again, she was not convinced that she was supposed to confront him about the way she felt.

Annabelle, even though conservative, still gave up many things for Smith. She did not feel the need to be friends with any other man; even the ones that were always like brothers to her. She also gradually grew out of her hunger for achieving the certificate of merit in health sciences – her field of interest, which was her number-one priority before Smith attached her soul to his.

She found no harm in sacrificing for the sake of the one man she was fond of. In fact, she was pleased to be the girl that pleased him.

As days went by, the two seemed unbreakable, at least, to Annabelle. She reached an extent of finding no extent to her love. It was time that she awaited the three-words to her heart before she could say them, but Smith seemed unwilling to recognize his feelings. He was simply stuck somewhere in his past where he felt incapable of loving Anna the right way.

That did not sadden her or disappoint her, for his closeness was more than enough to create her comfort. Also, his devotion signaled an upcoming realization – that he in deed loved her just as much as she did, or else, why would anyone dedicate his time to one girl and make sure she knew she was his only one?

Unsurprisingly, Smith finally filled Annabelle’s ears with the words she secretly desired to hear. And at that point, there was nothing that could beat her happiness. She fell head over heels; she could not even think right nor consider any consequence of giving her all to one person.

And as soon as she began to impulsively plan their love life in her head, Smith radically became distant. It was noticeable yet unexplained, which was even harder to digest.

“I hate how he never instantly tells me if something is wrong with him so I wouldn’t worry.. But nothing can stop me from going insane and overthinking. I just hope he’s well because if he’s not, I might as well collapse. His well-being means everything to me.” Annabelle thought to herself during his absence.

And when she asked about him after giving him a one-day break, Smith stabbed Anna’s heart with words sharper than a sword’s edge.

“We have nothing in common. I’m honest with you; we’re not working out.” He said.

Annabelle was shocked to an extent that she wished it were a joke. She could not even collect herself, and she stormed out.

“What do you mean we can’t work out? Couldn’t you realize this earlier? Maybe before you intentionally set fire to my rain and kindle all emotions?” She said.

Smith’s ego seemed tackled by her words; he said, “You’re the one who attached yourself to me.” It was insensible since he clearly was the reason behind Annabelle’s crazy attachment to him, and his argument was invalid.

She refused to take the argument further with him, for his surprise. She simply chose to be the mature one and stay away despite her terrible disillusion and fury. She believed that having a reason would’ve made a difference, but it was what it was.

Monologue: “It’s not the first time for him to say this exact sentence to me.. Not having anything in common has always seemed to be an issue to him! Can’t he know that opposites attract? And seriously, it’s stupid to even use that as a reason to end things with me.

But he used to also snap out of it eventually and restore normality with me.. I just don’t know why it’s taking too long this time and why it seems a little bit more serious than the other times.”

Days and weeks passed without Smith talking to Annabelle, or at least apologizing, and every single day in his absence felt like a new life to her – a bitter one that she could not tolerate. It was not strange, for he had her nights occupied with his conversations and had her days occupied with his thoughts, yet it was undeniably unfair on her.

He owed her an explanation, a rationalization, but he came up with none, which also kept Annabelle away from initiating her desired discussion to clarify things to help her accept the unwanted separation.

Consequently, Annabelle found herself stuck in a conundrum; she began to suffocate in sorrow. She found no way to fill his vacancy, not even by refocusing on her previous one-candle wish to be the valedictorian in the college of health sciences. Her soul craved no interest whatsoever; she only wished to isolate herself and feed on grief. Her breakdown started to be obvious. Her family and friend were concerned, since she technically became someone she never was; watching bunch of movies in a row, hanging out frequently, eating junk food, and terribly struggling with insomnia. Not to mention, her GPA also dropped and she did not seem to care like she always did.

The reason behind her collapse was embedded in the unjustified and baseless split-up. Annabelle was simply not emotionally nor mentally prepared to ever leave Smith’s side, and it seemed like he forced her into separation for a reason that is not pointed out.

In the midst of the distance that stiffened Annabelle’s pride yet worsened her sorrow, Smith chose to reappear in her life, claiming that he was only ‘checking’ on her.

As soon as she saw her telephone ringing, she was confident that his call would mean nothing to her.. Until she answered.

Her voice shook like a trembling tree resisting a hurricane. Still, she reserved herself and did not show any interest in what he was doing. He asked how she was and told her to take care, but she simply did not.

“Before we spoke of our feelings, he would call me all of a sudden to just say hi, even if we were in a fight – even if he was in a relationship.

And this makes me feel awful because he might also be with someone else now.. ‘cause this is when he realizes that he misses me.

I just don’t want him to terrorize my emotions anymore. I already have nothing to look forward to, nothing to hold on to, except my dignity.

The one man I thought would never bring remorse upon me is a reason why I regret giving up a lot of my priorities for. He’s just not worth it.

He’s not worth the times I cried when I knew he wasn’t well…

He’s not deserving of the fact that I put aside my studies to be there for him – to brighten his darkest of days when I knew he needed someone.

He was oblivious for years, and I still didn’t care, for all I wanted for him was contentment and delight. I wanted him to be happy, whether with me or without me.. but not until he gave me false hopes. At that point, I wanted to be the source of his gratification and happiness, maybe because he was the source of mine.

Smith has taken over me and all I’m doing now is try – trying to live as I survive.”

Annabelle decided to empty her head and get out of her shell. She planned the days of summer vacation with her girl friends.

And on a day of those, she bumped into Smith, and it was not a pleasant coincidence to her. However, she decided to break the ice; giving him the impression that she was over him.

“It’s nice to see you, Anna.” – S

“Thanks.” – A

“This place.. our first rendezvous, remember?” – S

“Oh.. Ya, now I do.” – A

“Can you believe it’s been almost three years since we first met?” – S

“Well, time flies, Smith, and everything changes before you even know it.

I need to go now.” – A

“Let me talk to you, Anna.

 Let me take you for dinner and forget…..” – S

“That you’ve been unfair on me? That you began to be misleading ever since you told me you loved me? That you left me clueless until this day? Forget what exactly!” – A

“Calm down. I can make it up, I promise.. Just come with me.” – S

“I’m afraid you can’t..

I’m not your puppet anymore. I don’t wait until you’re back to your senses and welcome you in my arms. Smith, you overdid it. I just… can’t.

You can’t just hurt me and come back like you did nothing!” – A

They both remained quiet for some time, and then Annabelle had the urge to spill out all that was stored in her heart, and Smith was listening to her, inescapably.

“I loved you, Smith... I wholeheartedly did. Having to walk away from me was the cruelest thing you’ve ever done. A relationship with me was not exhausting; it required nothing but sincerity… I’m unlike the rest; you can’t and shouldn’t please me with a Van Cleef garland, a Rattlesnake purse or a fancy dinner… These things are inferior to me; they mean nothing! If they kept any one of them in your life, the only thing that ever hooked me to you was just you, yourself.” – A

“So are you telling me that you stopped loving me?” – S

“I’m not. In fact, I still love you and I miss you.

But I’m done believing in you.

Goodbye.” – A

Annabelle figured out that her attachment to Smith had to finally be torn. Yet, she knew that he would always be the story of her heartbreak.

The End.

You Spoiled The Attractiveness of Her Strength (2)

Recapitulation: Before her performance, Julie encountered a stranger who could charm her among a crowd of hundreds of people, and that incident elevated her curiosity. Also, her performance was fueled by forceful emotions.

....

~ After The Show ~

Julie inescapably followed the stranger until he noticed her. She feigned apathy, as though she did not purposely plan to be found right in front of him. He looked her right in the eye, the same way Eric used to do. However, Julie could not think of anyone - not even who used to behold her the same way, and was simply stunned while still being sort of arrogant, expecting him to talk first, or, maybe, compliment her performance.

He almost spoke but Julie rushed into asking him a random question,

"What do you think of the show?"

He seemed hesitant for no reason, but answered her briefly..

"I think it was great.. you were great!"

Julie smiled, and he was still looking at her blankly.. She could not define his expressions, he was the human version of a maze.
Surprisingly, even that small talk meant much more than Julie thought a conversation would ever mean.

Days turned to months, and Julie was still thinking about the stranger who had her heart. She found no explanation whatsoever to what he had her under. All she wished for was another coincidence.

And so did she bump into him, twice.
In those two times, she could no longer deny the connection. She even found no shame in taking the initiative to be friends. She wanted to know him; she was sure of what she felt.

She talked to him genuinely, telling him that she could recall him.. and so on. Luckily, he seemed quite interested, yet still indefinite and vague.
His name was Sade, tall and handsome he was, but none of that interested Julie as much as their seemingly twisted link.

And as days went by, it seemed as though they were both hung on each other's lives. Neither could do without the other, and yet they could not define what they were.. Were they lovers? Were they just friends? They could not tell. It just seemed as if they were more than friends but less than lovers, which was agitating to Julie. She always wanted to drive him as crazy as he drove her, but she preserved her pride not to complicate things. She wanted him to calculate his own steps and answer his own questions. In the meantime, they both maintained the friendship that clearly none of them wanted - they wanted more. But unapparent factors kept them reserved and conservative.

Shockingly, they could go on for years feigning disinterest.. neither of them wished to leave the other, but neither tried to indulge the chances to obtain a greater happiness to be the lovers they could be.

Julie then realized that he started to occupy both her mind and her heart, and she found herself falling in love with him in ways undefined. And that was when fear crept into her.

"Maybe if I start showing him what I know we can both be, he will take advantage of that. Maybe he's just enjoying the uncertainty.. Maybe it won't feel as strong when I come to confess." She thought to herself.

But she could not stop how she felt from coming in the way. She started to argue a lot with him - on the silliest of things, only because she had that impulse she could not speak of. So, her actions and words involuntarily wanted to direct him to her feelings and truest intentions, but he was almost blinded. He thought her outbursts and overreactions were simply dramatic and unneeded, yet they were more than that. She cared for him, and she adored him truthfully.

Furthermore, their failure to express their feelings, even when unintended, separated them awhile. Both held tight to their pride, even when dying to talk to each other. Of course, it was not only the lack of expression. Many variables stood in their way, too. Some which Julie could never know about, and some which she, herself, hid. It was like a riddle that they had its solution but refused to solve.

So, she decided she should move on.. He did, too.

Moving on to Julie always meant concentrating on her passions. Yet, that time was different.. She could not focus on anything, not even yoga, which she did occasionally - especially when she was tense.
She then came to realize that her serenity was linked to Sade; on the other hand, she still awaited his call - she did not wish to be the 'desperate' one.

Months passed, and just when Julie was on the verge of losing hope, Sade called her. Hiding his yearning, he kept admonishing her.. asking how she could survive without him.
Julie was baffled and could not even speak until he noticed the difference in her tune and decided they should 'forget about it' and start over. Ironically, they were never even in a relationship, but something in their heart made it so hard to be apart.

Sade seemed different that time - more committed and more caring. It was as though he was offering his life to Julie without claiming it. At some point, his actions spoke louder than words, but again, silence confused her. She was just torn between believing that he, too, loved her, and not knowing if he really did.
Thus, that held her back from admitting her true feelings. She avoided rejection and disillusion. His happiness meant more to her than their shared life goals and feelings, and the fact that they were doing better than they ever did was another reason why she remained quiet about however she felt.

Until one day, unexpectedly, after a sudden quick fight they had, Sade stormed out and almost offended Julie. He wanted to part for good, but Julie resisted.

"Do whatever pleases you" she said

And that was when he hung up, but called her back in few minutes..

"This is what pleases me.. talking to you" he told her, in a calm deep tune.

She was surprised but also flattered.

He then proceeded by telling her that he never knew he loved her until that moment of his rage. She could only tell him she loved him too, leaving out all the rest.

For the first time in her life, Julie felt lucky. She found herself more tranquil, serene and comforted with him. Never did she doubt him nor doubt her love. Yet, her only wish was that he felt the same way.

She reached an extent of full devotion; she gave up everything for him. Tango dancing, writing, and everything else that used to bring her joy before she got attached to him. She simply found no meaning in something that did not involve him.

At heart, she knew that if she ever lost him, she would lose everything, since she let go of her entire former life for a new start with him. And when her friends asked her about her sudden transformation, she would simply say, “should you know him as well as I do, you’ll know how valuable and amazing he is. He’s worth it.” They were a bit worried because she seemed to be a bit too crazy about him - especially after witnessing the wreck that Eric once made her. They did not want to see her hurt.

But of course, Julie was convinced that she could be eternal with Sade, just because she knew her love to him would survive forever.

They would talk every night for hours without getting bored, and only did unavoidable sleepiness force them to hang up. Sade kept Julie alive, upbeat and gratified.. but a part of him was still conservative and private. She neglected that – not to raise arguments that lead to separation. It bothered her sometimes; especially that she was completely dedicated to him.

They later began to occasionally hang out – breaking the ice and gradually getting closer. To see him was heaven to Julie. She would just behold him and get too lost in him, and he would do the same.

Their relationship seemed unbreakable. But they never knew what was planned ahead.

For Sade’s birthday, Julie did not wish to be formal. A gift to her was something that could carry a deep meaning. She thought nothing else could symbolize passionate love and liveliness like the birth flower, juin rose blanche (June’s white rose), which was given traditionally to people born in that specific month.

She asked the florist to send him a day before his birthday, with the assortments of macarons he always loved and, of course, a birthday cake.
In theory, that was supposed to be the beginning of their homogenization – their love, their commitment and transparency. However, it all froze after the dinner date they had on Sade’s birthday.

He wanted to take her to a Japanese restaurant since too long, and his birthday was a chance that Julie could accompany him to it. She could not tell him that she no longer liked the Japanese cuisine since she didn’t want to disappoint him. She still, however, liked the Asian infusion in their desserts, so she wanted to go for that.

In the restaurant, Sade seemed raged for no apparent reason, that even her appetite was an issue to him. He thought that she was being unreasonably shy for skipping both the appetizers and entrées. In reality, none of that even mattered to her – that she could not stand the restaurant or their food, as much as his company did.
Even though the entire date seemed tense, it still highlighted Julie’s day.
And starting from the morning after that dinner, Sade faded out.
He would barely talk to her, and whenever she asked if anything was wrong, he would simply give unconvincing excuses until he finally told her, “I don’t see that we’re going anywhere. We can’t work out.”
What Julie never considered to be destined to happen was just around the corner. For some time, she still had hope that he would rethink.. but as days went by without him speaking to her, she knew that she was in deed left with nothing but herself.

Soliloquy:
I don’t want to believe that I’m devoid of everything I’ve ever loved, and I don’t want to think that everything I’ve shared with Sade just went to waste. It’s not even logical that such strong connection could die in less than a day, so what’s the real reason behind this fate? Have I known the reasons, I would’ve been more likely to accept the fact that he abandoned me, but I can’t, and I fear that I never will..
I don’t want him to become one of those people I once enjoyed knowing, and who later grew into being someone I regret thinking about.
He knew me for years, if he really assumed we couldn’t go further, he would have thought about it earlier.. much earlier! Just not now.. not after he told me he loved me.. not after we shared a lot of things. and not after I believed in him, and us.
It’s painful to think that he might just be another version of Eric; letting go once they find out how in love I am with them.. but again, Sade is not a jerk and is not the type that would hurt me willingly. So what is it in him that’s spoiling the attractiveness of my strength?

Julie went on with her life while being wounded. Resisting burning out, she tried to distract herself with literally anything - listening to music frequently, going to spas..etc. 
She did not want to become the person she once was after being hurt.
So, she simply survived her nights alone, over-thinking and writing. And her days, on the other hand, were pretty much occupied, and yet she still thought of Sade.. one way or another.


The End

You Spoiled The Attractiveness of Her Strength (1)

{Excuse the long title - no other words can define the story I'm about to write down, which will be narrated in the third-person point of view}


Julie was just another ordinary girl who was lucky to be raised in a wealthy family. She thought material could buy her happiness, but that was when she was still dwelling in her teenage. She bought more Chanel bags and Christian Dior clothes than she made friends with girls. Her life was somewhere between several continents for the sake of ultimate joy. It was expected that she would grow to be a socialite or a fashion icon, or maybe, a famous someone - since she was also an artist and a dancer. However, in just couple of years, Julie's life rotated.. and kept rotating - until it no longer was hung on luxury.

She had a friend of the opposite gender whom she liked a lot. Julie never saw him as more than a brother.. for couple of reasons. First, the age difference was a bit not symmetrical, or appropriate, for a relationship. Second, they shared a lot of things she thought were special.. which also framed no more than a "friendship."

One day, Julie had a dream that she was married to Eric, her male friend. She thought it was funny, so she told him about it. Eric did not react and was a bit unusual.. while Julie was going on and laughing about it.
He then stopped her and said:
"Let's imagine it's true.. would you want it?"

Julie did not recognize the seriousness in his tune,
"No, Eric! You told me you loved me in the dream." she said, and laughed.

"Okay.. I do.
I really do, Julie." said Eric.

Julie was a bit confused but also happy. She could not explain why she was, though. She was simply delighted and somewhat flattered. She also did not know if she was supposed to tell him she loved him too, since she did not have any previous experience. However, she knew at heart that she was able to love Eric, just as much as he claimed he did.

She knew his secrets, yet she had none to share. He became her only secret that she did not wish to keep. And later, at some point, she started loving him a bit too crazily.
They talked every night - he reminded her a hundred times of how much he loved her - every single day.
It was realized that Julie found something aside from her luxuriant world to make her happy.. It was Eric who did.
Every time she saw him, he would take off his usual vanity and smile like she was the reason he was alive, and she would simply have her heart running a race.

Their romance was too obvious to be hidden.. It was clear to their friends, to her sisters, to everyone they knew.

When he traveled, Julie would wait for him until he would come back in town.. She would make sure he was fine and would later sleep. She could not survive a day without him, and Eric seemed just as in love with her as she was with him.

Julie would wear her finest dresses when she knew she would see Eric, even when unplanned, and he would shower her with words she never heard from another soul.

That intimate love story went on without Eric being sure that Julie, too, loved him. It seemed as though he was enjoying the uncertainty and mystery..

And as soon as she started showing him her true feelings, Eric's ego was boosted, and he abandoned her.. in the cruelest way.

Her efforts became useless..
Her concern, her care, and her love, too, became painful to even feel when she realized he was no longer the same.
She did not want to lose him, she loved him way too much to leave him - despite the fact that she knew he was hiding something.

Until one day, she knew he was busy being involved in another relationship - from him. It was more shocking than a sudden natural disaster to her. However, she pulled herself together and walked away.. calmly, which made him unnecessarily uncomfortable. He tried to contact her to explain, but he only made it worse.
Julie had a man's pride. Even if destructed, she would never reveal her weakness. So, it pushed Eric away.. for good.

And luckily - at least for some time, Julie did not feel the pain of the harm he caused, since she never really saw him after their breakup. On the other hand, a retroactive effect was going to accompany her memory, and maybe her feelings, somehow someday.. and it did.

Julie got involved in several relationships that she knew were temporary. She involuntarily wanted to dominate men. She was young and irresponsible, yet Eric made her more of a rebel. She found no meaning in loyalty nor devotion after what happened with him.

She grew up to be more outstanding than she already was; doing what she could perfect - dancing more freely, writing more frequently, which made her gain recognition and attention from many people, especially men. They were enchanted by her - she knew exactly how to move the cords of their sensitive instrument, even without trying.
On the other hand, nobody could hold Julie's interest - not even whoever was officially her 'partner.'
And surprisingly, even her partner in the Latin Tango, whose body was stuck to hers most of the time -tracing her movements, could not have her heart. Furthermore, Julie had no emotional nor sexual attractions towards any man after Eric.

Julie later began to be too into dancing and writing that she let go of everyone that was ever bewitched by her. She figured that none of them could occupy her mind or ever reach her heart. So, she started doing what she loved doing - more like having too many distractions to even notice what she was really missing.

What she missed was exactly what she encountered on a day beyond her expectations. It was a sight of a person that moved every bit of her, leaving her clueless of the state she was in.
She was busy preparing for her Tango performance, yet, even during that, she was still sneakily examining him. She did not know who he was, and yet she was unexpectedly too curious to study every morsel of his being.

Julie thought to herself, "what a long one minute it was!" as she strutted across the stage before dancing. Her partner, Leo, noticed the surprising force of her emotions through her movements. She was more vibrant, confident, and even intimate. She pulled the best performance of her lifetime, only because her feelings were fueled by an unexpected incident.

Will that be the beginning of a fresh start for her, or a beginning of a miserable ending?

Stay tuned..

Antibias: Wonder and Analyze

I have written about love, fiction, fate, pride and fantasy. However, now is the time to write about how intolerable it is to be offended because of your identity, which is also your dignity.

As a Muslim-Arab, I may have faced couple of racist situations, especially when I travel. Let alone the foreign countries, at times, in my own country, some expats look at me as though I've come from an illiterate family, again, I emphasize on "some."

From the stereotypical words I recall (that were directed to me):
"You are here alone? your parents allow you? it's not a problem that you're out here alone?"
"Is this your slave? (referring to my nanny - who I happen to hangout with most of the time)"
"You're all materialistic in your country, right?"
"Will you get married soon? to your cousin?"

And the list goes on...

Let me enlighten you, us, women, are given the freedom of choice while STILL being protected and advised, and by this I mean that we are treated with respect and grace, just like how it's urged in Islam; to respect women. We are not abused on the daily basis for not leading the "ideal" life of extremity in Islam, we are not bashed for adapting the advantageous things about Westerners, and we are not forced to get married, if we don't want to.

And let's face it now, MOST Arabs (and yes, women as well) are bilinguals, if not trilingual. Who's illiterate now?
Let's take where I live as an example, which is UAE, a Muslim Arab country.. where women get to study, drive, work, lead, and strive. We cannot be equal to men, that's impossible - anywhere! Yet, we are respected and venerated.. We are recognized and appreciated, we are also trusted to be independent.
How is our society narrow-minded and oppressive? How is our religion terroristic and violent? How does anything that happens in the world linked to our society and religion? Can anyone please explain why all fingers are pointed at us? Why our women need to be pitied by Westerners? Why our valuable religion is degraded and offended by those who do not understand any of its concepts and merits, even some Muslims themselves who blame everything on Islam?

Well, let's watch this video of honor killing, and listen carefully to its content:

I'm going to quote some words from the horrible comments:
"You came in our country and expect your children not to be influenced..are you serious!? Stay in your country where you are allowed to beat and kill your wife and daughters, rape your slaves...etc"

"Honor and Islam is an oxymoron. Islam is the bane of society"
Let's just believe that these comments are true, and that Islam IS the the deadly cause behind..well everything distressful, and move on to watching some other videos..

And in case Muslims are also liars.. Well, let's hear it from an American soldier, who confidently and proudly took off his badge in front of the audience.

And now,
is it rightful to say that Christians are murderers and rapists? That Jews are spongers? That Muslims are victimized by "religions" and not "people"?
Of course, it's unfair.

Similarly, honor killings, terrorisms, fights, civil wars, and oppressions are NOT linked to Islam or Muslims, they are simply done by extremists who exhibit nothing but their OWN personal narrow mentality and violent nature. Also, in some countries, tribal and traditional views are the reason behind such inhumane acts, but again, it is not Islam.


(Religious-Wise)
Moving on, it is understood in our religion that mistakes and errors are innate and that forgiveness is divine. I do not cover my hair but I do not strut being half naked, and yet I'm still a Muslim who prays, fasts, and does what's to be done  - not that I'm proud of not wearing the Hijab, but to make it clear that we are given the CHOICE, the freedom, the CHANCE to think, accept, and do - willingly. We are not beaten to fully cover ourselves, we are advised and persuaded, we have our Quran and Sunna to read and learn from, knowing that we can never be complete and perfect. Additionally, we are raised to be genteel, appreciative, delicate, and respectful. Neither our religion nor society encourages barbarity.

And to those who think that our women are oppressed and ignorant - because of merely the idea of "Hijab," let us have a look at these pictures and rethink.

Jewish woman

The drawing of Virgin Mary

Muslim woman

Coincidence? or is being dignified and covered virtuous in every religion?

Also, racism is new, and surprisingly, is spread in the veins of those who understand nothing about religions. Not in any religion is hatred encouraged, especially, hating other religions. And now, people generalize and believe they're doing the right thing when they offend and insult other religions. What's the use? Why can't we learn from the Ottoman times, for instance, when all three religions coexisted and COOPERATED, despite the differences.

Hope I was able to deliver my sincere message.


Love,
Alia

Antalya

{First-person point of view}

I was a young girl, volant.. spirited, spending most of my free time in the eastern side of where I lived.
There, the freedom of the sea gave me life. I was like a mermaid without a care in the world.
In that place, I also spent some extraordinary times.. and sadly, with a person I thought fate brought him to me.. to build a future with me from the very first brick.. However, the next few years were not in our favor, at all.. they were just as deadly as a malady.

André was not like any other; something about him was rare.. very rare, I just could not point a finger at it. The way I admired him was precise; I only admired the way he was.. I could not possibly be in love with him. Yet, I knew he was one in a million, the one in a million I wanted to be with.

He was a gentleman, unlike the eastern typical narrow-minded men. He was well-educated, intellectual, and tender. Still, I was too young to discover my actual feelings towards him. To him, age was not a big deal, to me, it was kind of challenging. I always felt like I could not reach his standards, but I was always delighted to be chosen by him, since he envisaged and planned our relationship over the long-run, and I knew he was serious when he said he wanted more than empty promises, he wanted a contract on a paper.

In our society, especially in his town, girls like me were criticized. I was a city girl, openminded, vibrant, and outgoing. I was almost a threat to his family, who would not accept me as I was. 

I knew I was not a trouble to André himself, but if his family could affect his decision, then they would affect us both, for it was unusual for a man to choose a woman of his desire to them, they had to choose his perfect match.

And when we were a step closer to our engagement, many things started falling apart. The butterfly I was in his eyes started fluttering and becoming almost worthless. Of course, it was at first because of external factors, making the Westminster graduate who later went to Victoria University become as primitive as the people of his town. And that all happened when I paid my first formal visit to his family, one of the royal families.

Although I displayed nothing more than my genteel manners - which I was raised to possess, I was not fully adored. I still believed that we could not homogenize because I was a newcomer and a girl of a different upbringing, and it was true.

Later, his family invited me couple of times to join them in special occasions. I was already part of them. But again, I was not very comfortable, since I could not show them all my true colors - fearing the judgment that could be the end of us - André and I.

They sketched the life their son and I ought to have, just like the other members in their family. 

It was not strange for girls my age to be married in their family, but to me, it was. Therefore, my only condition which I had the right to claim was to complete at least one year of my university studies, and then have my life chained to their son, André.

On the other hand, in the remaining of that same year, internal factors began occurring in drifting us quite apart, that was when I went to the state of Victoria, where André studied. I wanted to see him, since I only saw him in vacations ever since he enrolled in VU.

Yet, that was the time when I knew I could not love him.. not even tolerate him anymore. I found no reasons whatsoever to that disgraceful feeling. I knew if I ever confessed, I might face severe consequences; hence, I chose the wrong road. I chose to lie to him. I thought I might be able to "fake it" until I could "make it," but none of that worked. I stayed in Queensland, where he visited on the weekend.

I was guilty because, despite everything, he was a good person.. a person of his words. At times, I believed I might have bewitched him, since no other man would take a girl as far as he had taken me. Fell in love with me, requested to see me in his place to meet his family, and planned our life that was only a fairytale after he acknowledged I was not true to him.

I was running away from the cruel truth; the truth that I could not be with André. I gave him silly excuses every time he wanted to meet me - in Queensland. 

I would simply tell him how sick I was, and I would remain at home until the beginning of the week when he returned to Victoria. I would hide many things from him, I was, also, most of the time, solemn and expressionless, signaling my honest disinterest.

I was such a mess, stupid thoughts occurred to me, "I'm too young to be destined to a man.. I shouldn't be.. not yet." especially that my three older siblings were not married.. I was also hesitant and confused all of a sudden.

And one day, I walked with my friends of the opposite gender, that André had no idea about, and the shock of my life struck me. André was right in front of me, looking at me in a disillusioned way. I wish I could remember his exact words, but I was too ashamed to even comprehend what he said to me. All I remember was the last sentence he said before the goodbye, "were you bluffing all this time, Antalya?" and I could not utter any words except an impulsive "yes," although, I was not exactly bluffing throughout our entire relationship, but all the pressure I started feeling was in no means advantageous.. I was speechless. Also, I thought he was better off without me.. yet I knew karma would get me, one way or another.

And it did.. in many ways. Until I purified my life from all toxics; I reformed it. Moreover, on another level, I changed my contact numbers, and I made sure no one else from the past could reach me. I was not happier, but I was definitely free of anxiety - just not pain.

Therefore, I sought André's forgiveness, but he never gave me a chance. He was infuriated and disappointed - I could not blame him.

When I later thought I was ready to live just as normally as I did when I first met André, I first wanted to let all my buried emotions out, in any form. So, I began writing stories that nobody would understand or get the message behind them, except the ones that knew me in person.

For my surprise, André - from the other end - read them. I never knew how or why, but he sent me a testimonial, and unexplainably, nobody else's similar words would be delivered to me the way his words were. I felt alive, recognized.. yet I still could not break the ice of the flowing water we froze.

"I thought you should regret our loss, but now I'm the one who's sorry we couldn't be together. Noticing that you have undeniable hearts for someone whose story is a way or another narrated in your stories rests me, I hope they know you're a great powerful person, for it is a shame to regret not trying to figure that out earlier. Have faith." He wrote to me.

Some pains still accompany me, even if I'm forgiven, but I try to never let them consume me.. André will forever be the reason why I blame myself only to find myself stronger, braver and better.

And I can now proceed with the life I've built for myself, and I keep telling myself: sometimes it's not easy, sometimes it doesn't have to be.