When It Doesn't Make Sense To Not Be Alone

Disclaimer: if you know him, you'll know that even the title of this entry is inspired by Charles Bukowski.

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Relationships, marriages, friendships.. all those are mere institutions.
They don't define love. Love is a different story.
And when the exigency of my suffocated heart demanded love,
I sought it.
I found it at the most wrongful place during the worst time in a wrong person,
and I don't exactly regret it, but I can't exactly survive it anymore.
I remember each and every instance that makes me now think that it doesn't make sense
for me to not be alone..
Why did I look for you? Why did I allow you to penetrate my strong armor that I kept to shield my skin, to protect my pride?
I have absolutely no answer.
And having found you 
introduced me to parts of myself that I never encountered before:
Altruism - I would've eclipsed my life to give yours brightness
Aggression - I could've killed to ensure your safety
Acceptance - I could've been offered to lie on silk and still choose to roll in dust with you
Affection - only you would've mattered
But having found you also
wakes me up each and every night
hungry for consideration, thirsty for closure..
And I ask myself, don't you at least want to clear your conscience?
You probably don't, or else..
You wouldn't thoughtlessly throw words you never meant,
words you couldn't measure their momentum..
words that completely absorbed me
words to which I was attentive, not knowing that I shouldn't have considered.. 
You wouldn't withdraw from all kinds of communication 
after you made me feel secure.
And although I believed that you over-consumed me, I do realize I was the one who over-committed herself
to an undefined situation that you selfishly coated with momentary pleasure
that permanently scarred me.

Wild, Intimate Frenzy

I've diverged from writing stories since I'm currently writing a book that revolves around sociopolitical issues. The dense and research-based book consumed me in a way that I could not bring myself to write fictions at all. However, I'm giving myself some time for a needed break and here I am with a story - Hope you enjoy it!
DISCLAIMER: not suitable for kids lol!
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In a cold night on the coastal land overlooking the Pacific ocean, Alice found her zen after long exhausting months of chaos and damage. Totally focusing on balancing her mind, body, and soul, she had no plans to involve others in her life.. not after she achieved this relaxed and balanced state of being. On her birthday, however, she had second thoughts about her solitude. Alice could not risk a new relationship though ..

"Although I worked so hard to recompose myself, I am convinced that companionship is the highest virtue in this life. Adam and Eve, a lion and its lioness.. life is all about pairing up with someone to not only survive but to ensure the stability of it. But I cannot imagine myself with anyone anymore.. not after the years I devoted to Jake." Alice thought to herself.

And on that same night, Jake spoke to her. Alice knew how unapologetic Jake was, how unworthy of her time, how unfit.. But she always thought that no one else could know her better and it was going to be exhausting to start over with someone else. Jake was convenient, not the best.

For few days, she gave sorting it out with Jake a thought.. but her thought process got interrupted by an unforeseen incident.

As she was walking on the beach, she bumped into a guy who said something inaudible. Alice was ultimately curious.. she knew he said something about her, she just didn't know what it was. She looked the guy straight in his eyes and asked if he could repeat what he said .. he didn't. Alice, forgetting about what happened, resorted to slot machines, which were her own Xanax. She, however, started to oddly lose her focus. It was that incident on the beach showing up in the back of her mind again.. She thought it wasn't substantial but a voice inside her told her otherwise. It wasn't long until her friend showed up and told her that the same person Alice met on the beach was asking for her number. It was a lot for Alice to process - "what's this coincidence!" she thought. She gave him her number with no second thoughts. She believed that there was something special about what could be just a simple coincidence. As soon as she reached home, Alice rushed to charge her phone to see if he spoke to her. He did. And they conversed for hours.. finding out uncanny facts. They both knew the same people. They both had the same level of intellect, which was a big concern for Alice who had high standards when it came to that. Even though their conversations were through a screen for some time, Alice could feel Morgan's force field attracting her with its full magnetic power. She couldn't even hint at the fact that her interest in him was intensifying, as that would make her look illogical and somewhat insane. She wanted to see him again just so she could test herself around him and know if how she felt was actual or simply delusional. He surprisingly invited her to his place when she least expected it. Alice, a little bit conservative and reserved, thought it was a bad idea.. but she also didn't want to reject him. 

Alice's POV: 

"I still remember every little detail.. As he was giving me directions to his place, my heart was beating at the speed of light.. I admit I thought about going back home, but there was this urge in me that kept pushing me forward.. walking me to him. I remember getting lost and finding him waiting for me in an alley. I didn't know that man at all and yet I spontaneously trusted my mere desires.. We took the elevator and we weren't alone, which worsened my nervousness for no good reason. I was looking at him the whole time.. well looking at his back, since he was standing in front of me. As soon as we reached, he held me so closely.. and although I'm not a fan of hugs, I have no idea how I involuntarily hugged him. I also remember the date and time. It was on the 5th of August, at around 7 pm. It was a brief 'date' that filled me with dense and overpowering emotions. I still fail to know what happened to my perception that day. It felt like being drunk except I was fully aware of my feelings. I knew how I felt was no less than love. I just knew it. Our energies were colliding until I became fully submerged in his presence. He just knew what I wanted without me uttering the words.. he took me by the hand and walked me to his room. We remained in the dark, allowing our bodies to be guided by the way we feel. It was a night like no other. It ended with him asking me to be his girlfriend. It felt like a marriage proposal to me. Everything that happened that night felt 100 times more special that it really was. That was it. I was too happy... way too happy. I could fly if I wanted! There was this once glitch, though. My health issue that as much as I didn't want him to find out about, I ended up telling him all about.. He seemed 'all in' but he just didn't know how crazy it could be, especially if I choose to be medicated. For the first weeks with him, I was trying my best to handle all sorts of physical pains I felt. He was too good to be true.. too good to be hurt by the side effects of all the drugs I need to take. Day by day, I felt all-consumed by him. I wanted more. I wanted a family... and since my issues are with my reproductive system, I couldn't possibly have a family without being heavily medicated. I underwent different medical trials without telling him. I started small with regular pills that stop my hormonal disturbances to the mother of all devils: Clomid! When I was on the less aggressive pills that induce my ovulation, I met Morgan unknowingly during the window with the highest chance at pregnancy. We were both very careful, but there were those intervals when we weren't. 
I was convinced I was sterile and that the pills did not benefit me in any way, and I stopped taking them. But every time Morgan would talk to me about the kids he wants to have with me, I would take a mental note.. until I started to get extremely overwhelmed. I wanted to restore my reproductive health and be the best version of myself both physically and emotionally.. for him. I went to see a gynecologist that wasn't well reputed. I just wanted Clomid, the fertility drug that works like magic for all women suffering the same way I do. She easily prescribed it, reassuring me that I was 'infertile.'

As soon as I swallowed down that pill, I felt like it took my soul to hell. I blacked out every few hours.. fainted several times.. and I couldn't see clearly at all. I had the worst pelvic pain.. nausea.. and the list goes on. It did not occur to me that those could be pregnancy symptoms.
I could not fight back. The impact of the pill was stronger than I could ever be. My only regret is that I did not inform Morgan about it prior to my consumption. It was too late. I already fell victim to Clomid. As soon as Morgan talked to me, I began to utter the strangest sets of words.. telling him I love him.. and then telling him I could no longer be with him. He was too angry. In fact, he was never as angry as he was that day. I was too carried away to correct myself right away. The drug wore off the next morning. I rushed to talk to him.. to regretfully apologize and explain what happened from A-Z. I was shocked by his reaction. He couldn't let me in.. he still can't. His mind is stuck at the fact that I left him.. full stop. 

Days passed by since our unfortunate and involuntary breakup. Not a day went by without me thinking of him and longing for him so crazily. I still woke up every morning with the automatic urge to talk to him.. I wanted a reason to speak to him. But every time I try to talk, I overflow him with my "auto-writing" and my failed attempts at making amends and justifying myself, repeating that 'medical errors are not conscious mistakes,' but nothing makes sense to him.. I tried to keep my distance until it hit me that I could actually be pregnant. I did not menstruate for two months even though my menstruation itself was induced by OCs. My anxiety and worry skyrocketed, and I just had to speak to him. He assured me that there was no way I could be pregnant, but my intuition told me otherwise. 

I proved myself right.. and for the first time in my life, it didn't feel good to be right. I suddenly had stabbing pains in my pelvis to the point of being unable to walk. I screamed and crawled my way to the bathroom, until I realized I was having a miscarriage. I sat down, crying in disbelief.. convincing myself that it was just a fibroid or anything similar that the OCs discharged. Yet, I could not shake the feeling at all.. the feeling that I carried a child unknowingly and that child did not survive.

I talked to a gynecologist, explaining every little detail of both what Morgan and I did to the details of the miscarriage. Although what she said calmed me down (in light of my situation with Morgan), there was this part of me that was hoping to carry his baby for 9 whole months. My pregnancy was never going to be sustained since it was an ectopic one where the fertilized egg remained static and did not move all the way into the uterus. 

After that shocking and unexpected incident, I felt more connected to Morgan.. But I can't force a horse to drink, I can only lead it to water.

My love for him, however, exceeded my own nature. My background is in combative sports that desensitized me as a person and altered my personality and femininity. But for Morgan, I did it all. All the cliche, cheesy and romantic gestures.. from chocolates to flowers to letters. And yet, it still seemed as though when I show up or whatever has to do with me does, I only reignite the way Morgan felt when I left him, and he responds only to that.. not to my apology not to anything else..
and all our wild and intimate frenzy
was for nothing."


 The End.

How Much Longer?

How long am I meant to yearn until I cross the path of your dreams and you wake up to long for my presence in your shattered life?
How long am I supposed to endure the bitterest taste of a distance I never signed up for?
Because I find you not only in the people I meet but in the things I do, in the way I breathe, in every heartbeat, and in every time I blink.
I feel you not on my skin but deep under my flesh. Your presence caresses my bones and overstimulates my blood until it sneaks to my heart, and from there, it accesses my consciousness. You keep recurring not only in my dreams but in my most alert state of mind.
You make me wonder.. how long am I meant to wait until you, too, can find me?

PCOS

September is the PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome, (also cervical, endometrial etc. cancer) awareness month.. And after 5 years of not even battling but TRYING to harmonize with a destructive disorder.. After more than 7 million women have been diagnosed with it, I still get asked "what is PCOS?" And this question really goes straight under my skin because I'm tired of explaining what it is and what it does, and I'm even more tired of trying to act like I'm OK with sharing.. It's not just a disorder, it's also an insecurity to me. But it's also my duty to educate both women and men, maybe men more than women. Why? Because there's a chance that a man may have a friend, a girlfriend, a wife, a daughter, a sister who fights PCOS, and there's a big chance that this man may NOT tolerate all the symptoms that are more emotional and psychological than physical (yes, even if you all believe that "love" outweighs all hardships). There is a limit to people's tolerance when they don't understand what the other person goes through, especially if that person (with PCOS) seems perfectly fine on the outside. 

So, here are the bitter and HONEST truths about PCOS:

1.  It is incurable 
2. It affects 1/10 women worldwide
3. PCOD (polycystic ovarian disease) is NOT PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) — PCOD is ONE disease, while PCOS is a SET of diseases and complications. 
4. Women with PCOS do not simply PMS. They often experience PMDD, which is (if we could measure it) about 10x worse than regular PMS. 
5. Testosterone (male hormones) levels are skyhigh. Normal women's testosterone level should not exceed 3 or 4 (not quite sure), but those with PCOS have way more than that. Personally, mine goes up to 16. 
6. The system mistakes the female body for a male body, and begins to make it operate accordingly: anovulation (no production of eggs), missed periods, menorrhagia (uncontrolled excessive vaginal bleeding), fast hair regrowth etc. 
7. Sudden depression (yes without a reason).
8. Fertility issues. 
9. Weight gain (not resulting from sedentary lifestyles whatsoever). 
10. Discolored skin tones.  
11. Bodyaches and cramps. 
12. Emotional breakdowns and meltdowns.
13. A desire to withdraw from normal activities. 
14. Women with PCOS are at risk of cancers related to the female reproductive system (cervical etc.). 
15. Insulin resistance.
16. Pelvic pain and discomfort.

There can be more or less symptoms. Not all women with PCOS have the same experience. However, this advice goes to all: 

I tried all kinds of conventional medications. Metformin, Clomid, Contraceptive pills etc. They all treat ONE thing and destruct many other. Their side effects are beyond horrible. So, don't fall in this trap with OB/GYNs. I also tried traditional medicine (slower in effect but better). Black Cohosh and Vitex calm my pelvis down, but nothing's as good as cinnamon when it comes to PCOS. Add a teaspoon to either cold or warm water and drink daily. Both wet and dry cupping help a LOT. Meditation and yoga are also PCOS-friendly. Lastly, when it comes to the perfect PCOS diet: LOW CARBS.. I repeat, LOW CARBS (simple carbs, complex carbs are OK). Avoid soy and its derivatives, avoid COFFEE and processed cheese. More fruits, vegs, nuts and seafood made me ovulate MONTHLY after about a year of anovulation.

Those with PCOS, you're really not alone (cliché, but I mean it), and unlike what others may say to you, it is completely FINE to feel the way you feel at times even when you have absolutely no reason to be depressed, sad, mad, frustrated, confused etc. Whoever does not understand, needs to be educated and needs to be patient instead of rushing you to cheer up. 

Stay strong!

Love, 

Alia

Breathing

Not in blossom, but not dwelling in sorrow anymore..
Not flowering, not improving, not evolving,
but I'm not withering
not perishing..
I'm breathing again.
I became alive the moment I thought my heart
was stationed in its darkest place.
I became alive once not hope but conviction
chose to engulf my exhausted mind.

I'm now convinced,
I now know..
My worth is a thousand times
heavier than my thoughts
and a million times heavier than yours.

I can be scratched
I cannot be broken..
I may be weak at times,
but I'm not fragile.
This is why
I can breathe again,
and you may suffocate
any time soon.

Eclipse

The lingering fondness -
that incense of everlasting burning desires,
sensations, aspirations and unknown outcomes of
unknown ends and unforeseen beginnings, trap us until
we no longer crave routinized conversations
no longer expect a red rose on a cold
February night on a terrace..
We're gorged on the sorrows of what is
perceived as the only chance at happiness - Love
We are gorged on love, love's petals and love's spikes..
until we no longer find it pleasant to follow
the doctrine of love and its unbearable series of
wasted infatuation and a shared interest in a shared life..
and death becomes feared..
Series of obsession, commitment, loyalty..
While, simultaneously, confusion, and even madness..
until it seems as though love is made of two forked parts.
At both ends of the divisions, change becomes the ultimate need.
For some it may be wanting a new experience, or simply wanting to withdraw..
And for the other, it may be wanting to revive love, which only ends in failure..
This is how love tends to eclipse hearts.
At first, it supplies them with the most efficient power to feel connected
Then, it deprives them of even the most minimal will to live..
until death becomes so dear.

False Assurance

Ever loved someone so much to the point where you suddenly realize
that you barely gave yourself a chance to contemplate 
whether or not it is a right choice to be in love with them?
Whether or not it is a right choice to tolerate them?
Whether or not is is a fair choice to sacrifice a lot for them,
while they barely consider a thought of you?

I have.

And I like to keep love out of this equation,
at least for now..
For love has been my only incentive,
my only false assurance.
For I'm repeatedly told I'm loved,
but I only see antonymous meanings.

Little do I encounter
recognition, understanding, compromise...
Belonging, thoughtfulness and compassion.

Little do I feel considered
because every time I invest time and emotion
in this helpless kind of affair,
I receive nothing in return.

Then I realize how unfair
is this affair
on me.

Maybe we have different
sets of mind
Maybe we have different meanings for life
Maybe I have an enormous sense
of both love and occasion
and maybe you have another
meaning for affection.

But love is a false hope
a false assurance
for the both of us.